The Big Shindig
by Stretch Snodgrass
Summary: Cousin Pearl returns to visit the Clampetts, and is upset to see Jethro puttin' on airs and Elly May an aging spinster. Mr. Drysdale's ever-increasing greed reaches its apex, while Mrs. Drysdale returns to Beverly Hills and makes common cause with the Clampetts. In the meantime, Granny goads Jed into a feud. Takes place after the ninth season. Reviews greatly appreciated.
1. Cousin Pearl Returns

**The Big Shindig**

Cousin Pearl returns to visit the Clampetts, and is dismayed to see Jethro puttin' on airs (while dumber than ever) and Elly May an aging spinster (well over 20, and still unmarried!). Mr. Drysdale's ever-increasing greed reaches its apex, while Mrs. Drysdale returns to sacrifice her principles make common cause with the Clampetts. In the meantime, Granny goads Jed into a feud over a deadly insult to Clampett honour. Takes place after the ninth season. The Series Finale of the Beverly Hillbillies! Reviews appreciated.

Chapter 1 - Cousin Pearl Returns

The cab driver had seen many kooks in the day, but this one took the cake. He had picked up a middle aged woman with a thick hillbilly accent at the airport. She was now sitting in the back of his car, gabbing about her rich relations in Beverly Hills. A Beverly Hills address was what she gave him, but there was no way this woman, bedecked in a ridiculous old fashioned dress full of buttons and bows, had any business in that exclusive enclave!

"My cousin Jed, that I was tellin' you about, he had purt near 100 million in that there Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills" said Pearl Bodine, eagerly. "He's also has a castle in England, where he's known as the Earl of Clampett (1). My son Jethro, he's done lived there for nearly ten years."

"Really?" said the cab driver, wondering if she were dangerous.

"That's so. I lived there with em' when they first moved. But Jethrine, (2) she's my daughter you see, she done got herself hitched to Jazzbo Depew. I decided I had to be around, to look after my grandchildren. Twins, Hezekiah and Hepzibah."

The driver had stopped for a light, so Cousin Pearl obligingly waved him a snapshot.

"Cute kids" the driver said, observing some normal looking children bedecked in old fashioned suits. The crazed dame's son-in-law was a short man who would have been considered a sharp dresser in the naughts or the 10's, but now looked as wacky as his mother in law. And what was that beside him? An extremely tall, ugly woman in an old fashioned dress. Gross!

"Nice family" said the driver, passing the portrait back.

"I thinks it's about time for Jethro to get himself hitched" said Cousin Pearl. "Bright boy, is Jethro."

The cab driver wasn't sure, but he could have sworn the woman added to herself, "Bright as a bat on a moonless night. What did I ever do to get such a fool for a son!"

"It's more'n time for his Cousin Elly" Cousin Pearl gossiped to the driver. "Poor girl's looks to be an old maid. Nearly 25 and never married."

"25?" said the driver incredulously. "Oh . . . yeah. I don't see . . . I mean, well, I've seen plenty of ugly broads who've fetched themselves husbands. My wife's one of them!"

"So's your daughter" added the driver to himself.

"Well, with me around" said Pearl, "there's gonna be some more action over there. Why, I bet a month won't go by until we've have a big shindig with the young un's being hitched!

"Lucky you" said the driver sardonically.

"Won't it be!" said Pearl. "Give me your address an' I'll be sure to give you an invite!"

"I'm . . . sorry, lady, but we cab drivers can't take party invitations from customers" the driver lied.

"Well, then, I'll go and call your company" said Pearl.

"You go do that" said the driver obligingly.

The driver was annoyed to find that the hillbilly woman had given him an address on a street full of the largest, most expensive, and most exclusive mansions in Beverly Hills. Maybe he could explain the situation to the butler of the snooks who's home he'd be crashing? Call the men with the white coats? But then again, these rich folks didn't like to be bothered. Especially by an unwanted cabby with a lunatic for a passenger.

The cab driver drove up at the address, a sombre mansion of grey stone with a large circular driveway in front. A stone wall enclosed the estate.

"Ain't it a gem" said Pearl.

"It sure is" said the driver, driving through the open gate.

He wondered if he was doing the right thing. Those rich people might complain . . . they could get him fired for this!

The cab driver parked reluctantly in front of the double doors at the front of the mansion.

"Cousin Pearl!" said a middle aged man, in old brown clothes and a white shirt. "It's been too long a time!"

"JED!" said Cousin Pearl, rushing out of the car and giving her cousin a hug.

"It's about time you've showed up here, Pearl" said a short old woman also exiting the mansion. She wore a simple homespun skirt and blouse. Her hair was grey, her face pinched and her figure wiry, but the cab driver judged her to be tough as leather notwithstanding.

"Aunt Pearl" said a young woman's voice.

The driver gasped.

Outside, dressed in a short blue dress, was the prettiest girl the cabby ever saw.

"Elly May" said Pearl, hugging her niece.

Elly May . . . the old maid?

Before the driver could consider further, Jed Clampett went up to the car.

"I'd like to thank you kindly for taking Pearl home from the air-port" said Jed.

He handed the driver a small wad of bills.

"That ought to cover your fare, and leave a tip for you" Jed noted. "No need to tote the bags into the house if you don't want to, reckon' we like to do for ourselves."

"Oh, no, Mr. Clampett" said the driver eagerly, fingering the crisp new cash, "I'd be glad to help."

And he thought the woman had been a kook! She _was _rich. Her family was rich. Well, then. If they were rich, they were eccentric . . . not kooks.

"That's mighty fine. 'cause Granny's made up a fine mess of possum innards, grits and redeye peas and gopher gravy on the occasion of Pearl's coming back."

There was eccentricity and there was kookyness.

"On second thought, buddy" said the driver, "I've got to go. I'm not allowed to take lunch from customers."

"I'm going to have to call your taxi company 'bout that" said Jed. "Seems as if they takes all the lard outta the pudding."

The driver hurriedly removed Pearl's luggage from the trunk, and sped quickly away.

Notes

(1) Jed Clampett inherits a castle (and title) in England. The Clampetts visit it twice in the series. The idea for a cab driver comes from a black-and-white episode. There, a cabby, played by Mel Blanc, concluded the Clampett mansion is a private lunatic asylum.

(2) Jethrine is Jethro's repulsive twin sister (played by the same actor who played Jethro), who only appears in the first season. Cousin Pearl notes she was married off at the end of the season. Unlike Cousin Pearl, Jethrine isn't mentioned in subsequent years.

I have never watched _The Return of the Beverly Hillbillies_. This is my attempt at a Series Finale to tie up the loose ends left at the end of the show.


	2. The Insult

**Chapter 2 - The Insult**

Pearl's return to the Beverly Hills mansion meant a special dinner in the fancy eatin' room, at the fancy eatin' table. That is to say, the billiard room and the billiard table. By special invitation, Mr. Drysdale and Miss Hathaway joined Cousin Pearl and the Clampetts. Granny had spent several hours cooking up good company vittles for the occasion.

Pearl had began by once again talking about the young twins Hezekiah and Hepzibah.

"They're just breezin' through school. Would you believe they've only taken a year to get through each grade. Why, I's thinking about sending them off to high school when they've done finished grade school." (1)

"Well doggies" said Jed. "You ought to send 'em here and board with us when the time comes. There ain't no high school in Oxford, nor Bugtussel or Silver Dollar City neither. (2) Why send the young 'uns off to be with strangers when there's plenty of great schools here in Beverly Hills. Ain't there Miss Jane."

"Oh yes" said Miss Hathaway.

"Money ain't no object in gettin' the young 'uns an education" said Jed.

This prompted a coughing fit by Mr. Drysdale, as he began to choke.

There was considerable bad blood between Miss Hathaway and Mr. Drysdale over the events of some months before. (3) However, she duly hit Mr. Drysdale on the back until he could swallow.

"I know it's real good cookin'" Granny observed, "But no need to wolf it down so fast."

"Mr. Drysdale will be fine" said Miss Hathaway. "He just has a touch of indigestion in the, er, wallet."

Mr. Drysdale glowered at Miss Hathaway.

"Does he need any doctoring?" Granny asked.

"NO" shouted Mr. Dysdale. "No, er, thank-you. I'll be fine."

Quickly changing the subject, Mr. Drysdale asked "By the way, where is Jethro?"

"He's out with the truck" said Granny. "I told him to go and buy some company vittles hours ago. I don't know why he ain't come back yet."

"It's just as well" Elly May said. "He'd have eaten up our whole dinner before we'd taken our first bite."

"I don't reckon it's fair to be stuffing ourselves without Jethro" Pearl objected.

"When he comes back I'll cook him up a feast fit for twenty men" said Granny resignedly. "Or Jethro."

"Hmph" said Pearl "I don't care for how you're mean mouthing my boy, Granny. I think _I'll _cook up his food. 'Bout time he's had some good home cooking. (4)

"Why _you _. . ." started Granny, as she got up from the table.

"Hold your horses" said Jed, breaking up the impending fight. "It's only natural Pearl would want to cook for the boy, her being his Ma and not seeing him for awhile."

"That's no call to insult my vittles!" said Granny angrily.

"Well, who's insulting your vittles when we're piling away at them right here and now?" questioned Jed Clampett. "I suppose by home cooking Pearl meant _her cooking at Jethro's childhood home_ back in Oxford, didn't you Pearl?"

Pearl looked warily at Granny.

"Of course, Jed" she said.

"But I don't see why a young, purty widder woman should slave away, especially after taking suc a long trip" said Jed diplomatically. "You just leave the cookin' to Granny, you're our guest!"

"All right" said Pearl resignedly, "And this food really is good!"

"That's better" grumbled Granny as she sat down again.

"But I'll be here for quite a while" said Pearl. "And I would like to help out. You see, I've come out here to see that my boy gets married . . . ."

"MARRIED?" Miss Hathaway exclaimed. "To whom?"

"Why, I don't rightly know yet" said Pearl. "But I intend to see my second set of grandchildren, and this takes a mother's touch."

"Or a granny's touch" said Granny forcefully. "You should have told me, Pearl. After all, who's the best matchmaker in them there hills?"

"Now Granny . . . ." said Jed.

"Matchmaker, hmph!" said Pearl. " . . . Elly, could you get me some pickled pawpaws from the kitchen."

"Why sure, Aunt Pearl!" said Elly, going to the kitchen.

In a low voice Pearl continued, "The poor girl's like to be an old maid. How many years have you been beating these here hills and not come up with a husband?"

"That's the last straw, Pearl!" said Granny, jumping up. "I'm a gonna whoop you good!"

"Granny, you sit down" said Jed. "Elly's still got plenty o'time. I've heard tell a movie star-let, she ain't got hitched 'til twenty nine. Just to prove it weren't a fluke, she got married five more times thereafter."

"Well I'm sorry" said Pearl petulantly, "But I a ain't gonna wait forever to see my Jethro settle down. That's a boy who needs a wife by his side."

"That he does" said Miss Hathaway dreamily, Pearl's words rekindling her long held affection for Jethro. (5) "Jethro needs a guide to take him through life, to cook for him, care for him, do for him . . . think for him."

"Never mind that" Mr. Drysdale said. "Now Granny, I promise you that _I _will find a beau for Elly May."

"Promises, promises" Granny scoffed. "You ain't produced a keeper these past nine years!"

The conversation died as Elly returned with the pickled pawpaws.

"What y'all talking about?" Elly asked.

"We was wonderin' when your cousin Jethro would return" lied Jed.

The sound of the ancient Oldsmobile truck announced the return of Jethro. The Clampetts and co. went to the foyer to greet Jethro. Pearl Bodine's oversized son was busy taking a number of barrels and sacks into the mansion.

"Why Jethro!" said Pearl, happily.

"Oh, hi Ma!" said Jethro, in a uninterested tone. "Company vittle's on yet!"

"They's in the dining room" said Granny irritably.

In a flash, Jethro was gone.

"One of these days, I've gotta have a long talk with that boy" said Jed, shaking his head. (6)

"Well, looks like he's long past due" Pearl observed angrily.

The Clampetts and co. went back into the dining room to find Jethro serving himself a hearty portion.

"Jethro, dear boy, aren't you going to talk to your mother?" asked Miss Hathaway, sitting beside him.

"After I'm done eating" returned Jethro.

"Well" said Pearl angrily, "If that don't beat all!"

"The boy's starved himself working" Miss Hathaway said defensively, as Jethro started to gulp down food at a breakneck pace.

Jethro gave a garbled, mouth full of food non-answer.

"Reckon he's gonna be at it awhile" said Jed. "Pearl, why don't you come with us into the fancy sittin' parlour and play some pie-anny and do some of your fancy company yodelling. Mr. Drysdale, you remember how much you loved Pearl's yodels!"

"Mr. Drysdale would love to" Miss Hathaway volunteered. "Meanwhile I'll stay with Jethro and help clean these things up."

About the time Jethro had finished eating what was left of the dinner, Pearl had finished her impromptu concert and Mr. Drysdale had politely excused himself and fled for home.

The Clampetts and Pearl returned to the dining room.

"Them vittles was good" said Jethro. "Been a long time since I've had any better."

"Your ship has arrived, Jethro" said Miss Hathaway, sensing the opportunity to try a new approach. "I've just moved into a new domicile complete with chef's kitchen; I have purchased a new guidebook to the continental secrets of the culinary arts. I believe I have perfected the _mode de preparation _for fillet mignon, cheese souffle, crepe suzette, boulliabase . . . ."

"Naa," said Jethro. "I don't think I'd care much for them Hungarian foods."

"Why Jethro" said Pearl, "I can make you some good home cooking if you're still hungry.

"You won't neither" said Granny, entering from the kitchen with a saucepan in hand. "You try to meddle in my kitchen and you get a lump on the head from my skillet."

"Now Pearl" said Jed, again playing the role of peacemaker. "You don't want to tire yourself out now, the boy's had more'n enough to eat. I thought Jethro might take us in the truck tomorrow, driving round to see the sights."

"Woo-wee" said Elly May. "We's gonna have lots o' fun tomorrow."

"Why don't you come too Miss Jane" said Jed.

"I'm afraid Mr. Drysdale won't so readily allow me to forgo my employment" said Miss Hathaway.

"I'll call him up and he'll be happy to agree" said Jed.

"I'd love to go" said Miss Hathaway, smiling. She wasn't happy about the prospect of riding around in the open truck. However, the fact she would be riding with Jethro, and had an opportunity to make a good impression on "time for my son to marry" Pearl Bodine, was more than compensation. The fact Mr. Drysdale would be infuriated by her playing hooky was simply icing on the cake.

"Well, I ain't going" said Jethro. "I can't drive Ma around town."

"Why not?" asked Granny angrily.

"Well, I'm's a sophisticated, educated, Beverly Hills playboy" said Jethro conceitedly. "It's bad enough I have to take the rest of you hayshakers around all of'em time. But what's people gonna think when I'd takes my Ma, a little ol' hillbilly from the hills, around town. They're gonna think I's a hick." (7)

"Well!" said Pearl. "I declare!"

"Jethro!" said Miss Hathaway, shocked. "Such an unworthy revilement!"

"I's gonna take you to the woodshed!" said Granny, "And tar your britches with my hickory switch!"

"But he's too old for that" objected Miss Hathaway.

"He ain't neither" said Granny crossly.

"He sure enough has it coming" said Elly May.

Granny took Jethro by the ear, and in spite of his loud objections, pulled him toward the kitchen and the backyard. Elly May followed the two.

"What am I gonna do with that boy!" said Pearl, crying.

"There, there, Mrs. Bodine," said Miss Hathaway, trying to comfort her. "I'm sure the dear boy didn't mean it. He's just . . . confused."

"I should have had a long talk with that boy long ago" said Jed sadly.

Notes

(1) Jethro, famously in the series, is a graduate of the Sixth Grade. In the first two seasons, he attends fifth and sixth grade at a Beverly Hills private elementary school.

(2) Originally, Pearl's hometown and the nearest community to the Clampetts was Oxford - first mentioned in the second episode "Getting Settled." By the fourth season, the Clampett's hometown is Bugtussel. In the eight season, the Clampetts visit Silver Dollar City - said to be near Bugtussel. I've decided to make Oxford Pearl's hometown - while Bugtussel can be a nearby community.

(3) This was a result of the events of the ninth season. Briefly, Jed Clampett was going to give half his fortune to Oceanic Research. This move was supported by Lt. Mark Templeton, a "naval frogman" introduced as Elly's boyfriend. To get rid of Templeton, Drysdale claimed that California was being invaded by Grunion (which he misrepresented as fierce warriors from the isle of Grun). Drysdale claimed Templeton was chicken, and claimed that Miss Hathaway was quitting rather than work with him. This, in turn, led to story lines including a women's liberation protest by Miss Hathaway and the other secretaries - joined in by Granny and Elly May.

(4) Granny and Pearl fought over control of the kitchen in a few Season 1 episodes.

(5) Miss Hathaway is in love with Jethro throughout most of the series.

(6) A recurring gag throughout the series. Jed never got around to having a long talk with Jethro. Elly May once asked him why. Said Jed, "Reckon because the short ones are so depressing."

(7) Beginning toward of the end of the third season, Jethro began to think of himself as a sophisticated Beverly Hills playboy. Toward the end of the series, there are a couple of occasions where he calls the Clampetts hicks.


	3. The Catalyst

**Chapter 3 - The Catalyst**

"I think his britches have been tarred more 'n enough for one day" said Jed, after a few minutes had gone by. "One of these days I'm going to have a long talk with the boy" he repeated, as he left the room.

"Well I wish you'd hurry about it" Cousin Pearl called after him. To Miss Hathaway, she said "Land of Goshen, Miss Jane, I don't know what we're going to do with the boy."

"Oh, your son is as benignant as ever" said Miss Hathaway kindly. "Alas, his homespun nature has been . . . slightly . . . blemished by the plenteousness of Hollywood tinsel in these environs."

"I don't rightly know what "benignant" means" said Cousin Pearl indignantly, "But I don't think he's that anymore. And he hasn't been "slightly blemished" but spoiled rotten! I hoped his education would pound some sense into that thick skull of his. But it's only fattened his head, and not in a good way. I declare! I never'd think he'd put on airs toward me and own his kin!"

"This has been escalating for quite some time" admitted Miss Hathaway. "It would be nice for Jethro to return to his unassuming way, and attend to a more commendable and couthy attitude."

Cousin Pearl looked at Miss Hathaway appraisingly.

"You know, a girl like you may be what Jethro needs. Good, kind, caring, smart as a whip. Only thing is . . . ."

What Cousin Pearl thought was that good, kind, smart as a whip Miss Hathaway was . . . she was also as ugly as a mud fence. Pearl wisely kept this thought to himself and instead said "Such an educated city woman like you is unlikely to marry a country boy like my Jethro. Especially since he's been putting on airs."

Miss Hathaway laughed giddily, in her somewhat unique manner.

"I've known Jethro since he came to Beverly Hills, and to enter into the state of holy matrimony with Jethro . . . . ." started Miss Hathaway excitedly, before suddenly changing tack. She thought it would be best to be demure. "It would take some thought to take such an weighty step, but I cannot deny that Jethro would be an excellent match."

"Uh-huh" said Cousin Pearl skeptically. "It may take some convincin'."

"It wouldn't take that much thought!" said Miss Hathaway.

Miss Hathaway wasn't the party Pearl thought would need the convincing. Hesitantly Pearl added, "Aren't you a few years older than Jethro? You was already a secretary when Jed got his millions, and a graduate of that there college in the east . . ."

"I'm only a few years older than Jethro" said Miss Hathaway haughtily. "Two, three, or four years at the most." Actually, Miss Hathaway was a full eight years older and she knew it. However, she wasn't going to tell Pearl that. (1)

"Of course" said Cousin Pearl, who decided then and there that, no matter, Miss Jane was young enough and was the woman who Jethro needed. "A couple years don't make so much a difference."

"I should say not' said Miss Hathaway.

"A workin' city women like you don't mind settling down?" Pearl asked. "Quittin' your job with Mr. Drysdale?"

Again Miss Hathaway laughed giddily. "It would be a dream come true to leave Milburn Drysdale's house of greed!" she exclaimed. "I"d have no hesitation in leaving that vicious ogre's lair and fly as happily to freedom as a fledging; flapping her wings and makes that first bound into the breeze!"

"What's been happening out here?" questioned Pearl. "You and Mr. Drysdale were once close as two peas in a pod? Now, you're mean mouthing him something awful."

"When I went to work for the Chief" started Miss Hathaway, "He was as decent a bank president as there ever was." She continued melodramatically, "However, the disease of avarice entered his veins and slowly corrupted him . . . ." (2)

As Pearl heard it, from Miss Hathaway's very lengthy account, Mr. Drysdale used to go to some sort of "head doctor" (3). He stopped going, because he was no longer willing to pay the medical bills. Then, as the years went on, Mr. Drysdale became greedier and more ruthless . . . and eventually very dishonest. Just last year, Elly May looked as if she would finally be married to a naval lieutenant who had also come from the hills. Mr. Drysdale made it appear as if the lieutenant quit the navy to avoid fighting a invasion of grunion."

"Who on earth are the grunions?" asked Cousin Pearl.

"They are tiny fish, that every year pratically _invade_ the rivers of the California coast " scoffed Miss Hathaway, deciding to tell Pearl all. "Mr. Drysdale pretended they were fierce warriors from the nonexistent Isle of Grun. The Clampetts never discovered this despicable deception. Some days later, Granny helped the other bank secretaries and myself force Mr. Drysdale into some sort of line after he imprisoned us in his office. However, as you can imagine this foul misrepresentation floundered Elly's potential engagement."

"Don't you ever tell Granny the whole truth!" Cousin Pearl warned. "That's cause for a feud if I ever knew one! Breaking Elly's romance, and making the clan look like fools!"

"I haven't" said Miss Hathaway. "More for the fact that I had quit Mr. Drysdale employ at the time than any sympathy with his foul scheme."

"Well, I don't say Mr. Drysdale don't deserve it" said Cousin Pearl furiously. "But Granny can't start a feud up her in this day, right in the middle of Beverly Hills!" (4)

"I should hope not!" said Miss Hathaway, though smiled at the idea of Mr. Drysdale running away from Granny with shotgun in hand.

"Any chance of this lost romance being rekindled?" asked Cousin Pearl.

"It _looked _serious" said Miss Hathaway, dubiously. "But I don't see how we can overcome the fantastic tale of the Isle of Grun and the Lieutenant's" alleged cowardice in adversity!"

"It seems to me as if Mr. Drysdale ought to eliminate that obstacle" said Cousin Pearl grimly.

"I don't know how we might. . . ." started Miss Hathaway, before pausing. "The fact that you _now know_ the whole sordid story might just be the leverage we need; that is to say the leverage we need without the feud we don't want. Your arrival is just _the catalyst _we need to force Mr. Drysdale's hand on this issue . . . and perchance, to remedy other ills that have been undiagnosed and untreated."

"What in sam hill is a catalyst?" asked Cousin Pearl.

"A person or thing that precipitates events" Miss Hathaway explained. "And your arrival may herald the _permanent _taming of Mr. Drysdale . . . and an end to the Clampett quest to find Elly May a husband!"

"It may just lead to yours as well, if I have anything to do with it!" said Cousin Pearl.

Miss Hathaway laughed giddily, but deftly disregarded the comment. "Come, we'll plot our strategy against Drysdale in the fancy sitting parlour!"

"But remember" warned Pearl. "Never tell Granny about them fish! She'd feud for sure. I don't hardly believe even Jed'll be able to stop her . . . Jed mightn'd not even want to, peace loving man that he is!"

As Miss Hathaway and Pearl left, Granny entered to give Pearl an earful about the many miseries brought about by her son. She was too late to catch Pearl, but early enough to hear Pearl's final warning to Miss Hathaway.

"Feud!" she said to herself. "Where! And over fish? Who's ever heard of a feud over fish?" After a moment's thought, she cackled "Miss Jane and Pearl must be foolin'. A fish feud? . . . But I's better keep my eye out, just to be sure."

Notes

(1) Computing the ages of the Beverly Hillbillies, Miss Hathaway or the Drysdales is difficult. The continuity of the program is naturally loose. It is really a matter of trivia, and was of little significance to the show's humour. But I'll try to draw on the show as much as possible, so here's my "ciphering" . . . ."

Drysdales

-The exact age of Mr. and Mrs. Drysdale is a mystery.

-I believe Sonny Drysdale's age differs between the first season and his return visit in the fourth. For the sake of convenience, should it come up, I'll just say the career college student is thirty-five at the time of this story (for the simple reason that Mrs. Drysdale must be significantly younger than Granny).

Beverly Hillbillies

-Granny mentions she had recently turned seventy in the second last season. Thus seventy-two over here.

-Jed's age in never mentioned, aside from the line in the theme song _"The next thing you know, _old _Jed's a millionaire_" (but then again, according to the first episode, Jed doesn't become a millionaire the way by shooting at some food)

-Elly May's age isn't given in the show. However, there's a tie in book called _The Beverly Hillbillies - The Saga of Wildcat Creek_. In the novel, Elly May gets a driver's licence soon after arriving in Beverly Hills. Therefore, I'll also give say she was sixteen originally (and twenty-five here).

-In the first season, Cousin Pearl claims to be on the "sunny side of forty-five." I'll take her at her word and peg her at forty-five then, and fifty-four here.

-Jethro is explicitly said to be sixteen at the start of the program (thus, twenty-five here)

Miss Hathaway

Determining Miss Hathaway's age is somewhat problematic.

-It's never stated exactly how old Miss Hathaway is.

-A few episodes state she's a graduate of Vasser.

-Early episodes occasionally have Mr. Drysdale, Jed, or others refer to Miss Hathaway as a "young woman." Even given the fact that this term is usually used relatively, and Drysdale and Jed are significantly older than Miss Hathaway, I'll take it to mean she's in her twenties.

-One late episode has Miss Hathaway claim she was already working for ten years for an insurance firm before she worked for Mr. Drysdale. That (assuming she graduated from a four year degree at Vassar) would put her no younger than thirty-two at the start of the series, and forty two by its end.

-I'm going to somewhat arbitrarily set her original age at twenty-four, and her age in this story at thirty-three.

-This would presume that she did go to Vassar, but went to work for Mr. Drysdale immediately after (getting a choice position due to her presumably high marks). She would have worked for the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills for a few years before the Clampetts moved to Beverly Hills.

-I'll ignore the one-off insurance company comment, given she quickly falls in love with the teenaged Jethro (who is unlikely to be too much younger than her). If she had already been in her thirties, she would have been nearly twenty years older than him.

(2) Originally, Mr. Drysdale is a fairly normal person - treating Miss Hathaway as a trusted aid. However, starting about the third season, he becomes progressively greedy and dishonest. One such episode in the third season sees Miss Hathaway show concern when Mr. Drysdale chooses to put up curtains decorated with dollar signs. However, for the most part this the show doesn't bother to refer to any change in Mr. Drysdale's world view.

A few later episodes describe Mr. Drysdale's lookalike father was even greedier and more unscrupulous. The final season sees him resort to kidnapping, theft, and fraud (see Chapter 2, Note 3).

I'll combine the conflicting depictions and say that Mr. Drysdale started off normal and became corrupted and mentally unstable by the time of this story. This was partly due to heredity, that is to say his late father's influence. In Season 1's "The Clampett's Get Pyschoanalyzed" it's revealed that Mr. Drysdale regularly sees a psychiatrist. Sometime over the years, he stopped making appointments leading to his present state of virtually unrestrained greed.

(3) In "The Clampett's Get Psychoanalyzed," a misunderstanding (the psychiatric leading Cousin Pearl to his couch) has Cousin Pearl and the Clampetts jump to the conclusion that a psychiatrist was some type of amoral womaniser.

In the ninth season, Granny visits a different psychiatrist over a series of episodes when she wrongly concludes the family's been turned into frogs. Apparently the Clampetts forgot the term "psychiatrist" in the interim.

(4) Actually, she could and did (at least briefly). Season 1's "The Great Feud" sees the Clampetts feud the Drysdales when Sonny runs off instead of marrying Elly May.


	4. The Return of Margaret & Sonny Drysdale

**Chapter 4 - The Return of Margaret and Sonny Drysdale**

While Miss Hathaway arrived at the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills bright and early, she wasn't expecting Cousin Pearl until the hour Mr. Drysdale went out for lunch. Then when the greedy bank president returned . . . .

"It will be D-Day for Mr. Drysdale" said Miss Hathaway. "He'll receive his comeuppance. He'll personally have to play cupid and bring back Elly's beau . . . or else lose the entire Clampett account when Mr. Clampett discovers his scheming lie. He will play a new tune or face Granny with a shotgun full of rock salt and bacon rinds . . . or worse!" (1)

"But of course, this will benefit the chief" Miss Hathaway added. "I have a plan that will light the way. He'll be a happier, honest, and grateful banker. And of course, I shall too finally enter the bonds of holy matrimony!"

"Why you're bright and chipper this morning" said Mr. Drysdale viciously, as he entered Miss Hathaway's office interrupting her revelry.

"Today is a day of days chief!" said Miss Hathaway.

"You didn't have to listen to Pearl's yodelling" Mr. Drysdale sneered. "Then you'd be talking about the headache of headaches. I'm going to load you down with so much work you won't be leaving the bank 'til this time next year!"

"But chief!" protested Miss Hathaway, albeit half-heartedly. "I already handle the work of three women."

"Then it'll be up to six" Mr. Drysdale retorted. "I don't want to be disturbed at all this morning. I'll deal with you at lunch."

Mr. Drysdale slammed the door to his office behind him.

"No, Mr. Drysdale" said Miss Hathaway to herself. "I shall deal with you come the time for the midday repast."

As fate would have it, Mr. Drysdale wasn't to be left alone.

"Chief, a couple of people here to see you" said Miss Hathaway brightly from the intercom.

"Tell them to go away" said Mr. Drysdale angrily, also through the intercom. "Don't you know how to follow orders?"

"_Milburn_" said Mrs. Drysdale, as she pushed open the door and barged into the room. "Don't you use that tone of voice to me! I see that associating with those loutish hillbillies hasn't improved your manners any!"

"Loutish, maybe" said her son Sonny, also entering the room. "But, ooh that Elly May! Quelle Dish!"

"Margaret" said Mr. Drysdale, changing in an instant from angry to ingratiating. "I'm so happy you've come back to Beverly Hills. You've been in Boston for quite a while . . . two whole months."

"More like two whole years" said Mrs. Drysdale pointedly.(2)

"_And it's felt like two decades_" said Mr. Drysdale, before adding to himself "Two decades of freedom!"

"What's that?" said Mrs. Drysdale.

"Oh nothing" said Mr. Drysdale fearfully. "And Sonny, it's been _even _longer!"

"Six years" said Sonny.

"What ill wind . . . what brings you back to Beverly Hills!"

"In spite of your loutish associations, we have arrived to bring you good tidings!" said Mrs. Drysdale.

"Dad, congratulate me" said Sonny. "I've finally found a girl worthy of marrying me. I'm engaged to Charity Mendicant, daughter of Sir Wastrel Mendicant, Baronet, of Mendicant Hall." (3)

"This is good news?" asked Mr. Drysdale. "What is the name of Fort Know is a baronet?"

"Charity is Sir Wastrel's only daughter, and as such, inherits his title" said Mrs. Drysdale. "My son is marrying into the aristocracy, and my eldest grandchild will be a baronet!"

"Big deal" scoffed Mr. Drysdale. "What's the catch?"

"Must you be so mercurial?" scoffed Mrs. Drysdale. "We will need a _tiny _amount of money. For Sonny and Charity setting up housekeeping in Mendicant Hall. For bailing out the baronet"

"My aristocrat father-in-law needs $100,000 to save the estate for posterity" said Sonny.

"ARE YOU CRAZY?" shouted Mr. Drysdale.

"MILBURN!" Mrs. Drysdale responded.

"Nothing doing" said Mr. Drysdale. "I am not paying a fortune so I can set you up in housekeeping with a "Charity Mendicant" and her bankrupt family. I've paid a fortune over the years keeping you two in clover and if this fool marriage goes through I'm cutting you both off."

Years ago, Mr. Drysdale had loved his wife (5). The feeling had been mutual. However, lately they had only tolerated one another. Two years apart frayed even this bond, meaning neither Mr. or Mrs. Drysdale currently retained much in the way of affection for one another. In the ensuing shouting match, Mrs. Drysdale threatened Mr. Drysdale with divorce.

"Even so, it will cost me considerably less than $100,000" said Mr. Drysdale furiously. "Dear old dad had me sign a premarital contract, if you remember! And it will free me from having to pay for the care and feeding of your freeloading son! And your _own_ bankrupt father, the great Mr. Farquar!"(4)

"Don't you dare insult Sonny or Daddy. I'll sue you for libel you bourgeois Beverly Hills banker oaf!" threatened Mrs. Drysdale.

"It's not libel if it's true" sneered Mr. Drysdale. "How about you give Daddy Farquar a call on the old horn?"

Mrs. Drysdale sat down heavily.

"Dad, you're not going to make me lose a match of a lifetime" complained Sonny. "And over a paltry $100,000."

"A paltry $100,000?" said Mr. Drysdale. "Hook of a lifetime for those money grubbing Mendicants. Why, when I think of the fact the Clampetts next door have a $100 million . . . aristocracy, eh . . . well, Sonny, how'd you like to marry the only daughter of a genuine Earl? A Earl who owns a castle? And has a $100 million dollars?"

"I'm not leaving Charity, dad" said Sonny. "She really digs me. She's _my _kind of woman."

"Quiet, Sonny" said Mrs. Drysdale. "What's this about an Earl?"

"The Earl of Clampett" said Mr. Drysdale, triumphantly. "And his noble daughter, Elly May."

"Milburn! How dare you make such ridiculous implications!" said Mrs. Drysdale. "Haven't we've had enough insults for one day!"

"Miss Hathaway" shouted Mr. Drysdale, into the intercom, "Come in here. And find a copy of the social register."

Miss Hathaway was less than pleased to discover that Mr. Drysdale was plotting a marriage between Sonny and Elly May, and breaking up Sonny and his own fiancé in the process.

"Chief" she said. "Didn't Elly May reject Sonny." (6)

"This time" said Mr. Drysdale dryly, "We'll try harder."

Mrs. Drysdale was even less pleased. She fainted dead away when Miss Hathaway read that, in fact, Jed Clampett was an earl.

"The whole social order . . . destroyed" she said weakly.

"Mother!" said Sonny.

"Smelling salts" ordered Mr. Drysdale. "Go get them Miss Hathaway.

When Mrs. Drysdale came to, she brought herself up to her full height.

"If from some freak that loutish hillbilly has inherited an earldom . . . he's inherited an earldom" Mrs. Drysdale said. "It makes the Clampetts . . . socially acceptable" she added, with a grimace. "Even the Clampetts aren't cause to reject the principles of family, heritage and good breeding. I . . . I . . . I . . . give my blessing."(7)

"What about Charity?" objected Sonny. "Losing me will break her heart!"

"And her father's get-rich-quick scheme" said Mr. Drysdale sardonically.

"Sonny, an earl outranks a baronet" said Mrs. Drysdale.

"Well, Charity may be the bluest of blue bloods, but Elly May's packaging is really more my type!" said Sonny. "The marriage has _my _approval

"Now all you need is Elly May's approval" Miss Hathaway observed. "Really, Sonny, I don't think you and Elly have much in common."

"Hold your tongue, Miss Hathaway" said Mrs. Drysdale imperiously. "They are both scions of respected families. Sonny is a direct descendent of the _Mayflower_ pilgrims_, _while Elly May is the daughter of an English earl."

Mrs. Drysdale had now thrown herself into the project wholeheartedly.

"And is worth millions" said Mr. Drysdale to Miss Hathaway. "I suggest you buy some presents for Sonny so he can start courting and sparking Elly May . . . as the Clampetts would say."

Miss Hathaway turned on her heel and exited, thinking of what she would tell Pearl.

"She must know of the Drysdale's less than stellar motives for this romance!"

Notes

(1) In early episodes, Granny loads her shotgun with actual bullets (i.e. _The Great Feud)_. By the second season, Granny has switched to a non-deadly mixture of rock salt and bacon rind.

(2) Mrs. Drysdale makes her last appearance in the eighth season. Sonny Drysdale's last appearance is in the fourth season episode _The Return of Sonny Drysdale_.

(3) A "baronet" is an actual British hereditary title. One episode saw an impoverished ex-king try to marry Elly May for the Clampett money. Two series of episodes had the Clampetts visit England, where Jed had inherited a castle and the title "Earl of Clampett" (i.e. _Jed Inherits a Castle_, _A Bundle for Britain_).

(4) Mrs. Drysdale's father lost his fortune gambling in the fourth season (_Mrs. Drysdale's Father_). He came to Beverly Hills looking to get money from Mr. Drysdale, or scam it out of the Clampetts.

(5) Mr. Drysdale admitted to Miss Hathaway in the first season that he loved his wife in spite of her being a snob and a hypochondriac (_The Clampetts Meet Mrs. Drysdale_). In later years, he merely seems to tolerate her.

(6) In the fourth season episode _The Return of Sonny Drysdale_.

(7) This attitude may seem out of character. However, in the first season episodes _The Family Tree _and _Jed Cuts the Family Tree_, Mrs. Drysdale tried to befriend the Clampetts when she discovers their family may have arrived in America before the _Mayflower_.


	5. Sonny Comes a Courtin'

**Chapter 5 - Sonny Comes a Courtin'**

"You mean that Sonny Drysdale is only marrying Elly for Jed's money?" said Pearl angrily.

_She had met Miss Hathaway in her office, as arranged, while Mr. Drysdale was at lunch. Their plans to confront Mr. Drysdale after lunch had to be postponed. _

"Yes" said Miss Hathaway. "Leastways, that's Mr. Drysdale's purposes. He wants Sonny to secure a share of the Clampett fortune. And, as always, he wants to ensure Jed always keeps his money in bank.

"Well, I declare!" said Pearl.

"Oh, that's not the worst of it" said Miss Hathaway. "Mrs. Drysdale and Sonny have heard about Jed's British title, and they're only interested in the marriage so they can marry into the nobility!"

"Just because of that there title and castle?" asked Pearl.

"That reason, and that reason alone" said Miss Hathaway. "Mrs. Drysdale places great emphasis on blue blood!"

"Sakes alive!" said Pearl alarmed. "What animal does this horrible stuff come from? What does she do with this blue blood she's always after?"

"Oh no" said Miss Hathaway hurriedly. "It's an expression. A blue blood is a person from an old family . . . a family that's been rich for hundreds of years."

"SO that's the game" said Pearl. "Well, Elly may be along in years, but I don't think we should settle for this."

"Nor do I" said Miss Hathaway. "Let's hurry to the mansion and put a stop to this false romance. We can deal with Mr. Drysdale later."

"But won't he come down on you for leaving the bank?" asked Pearl. "Especially with Sonny about to do his courting and sparking."

"He wouldn't dare" said Miss Hathaway, writing down a quick memo, "Seeing as you insisted that I pay the Clampetts a visit."

_Granny had answered the door, and was much surprised to find Mrs. Drysdale._

"My dear Granny Clampett!" said Mrs. Drysdale. "Oh my dearest friend! How long has it been since I've last paid you a visit!"

"I think you've got the wrong house" said Granny perplexed.

"Oh Granny! You're so droll!" Mrs. Drysdale said. "Why I've stayed away from Beverly Hills much too long! I said to myself in Boston, "When I return home I must pay a visit to Granny! I must visit my dear wise neighbour. I must taste her . . . er . . . vittles. Ask her advice on medicinal remedies. I must . . . ." (1)

"You must be kidding!" Granny scoffed. "What are you up to?"

"I've just realized that I've been _all wrong all these years_" said Mrs. Drysdale. "Why, I want to be chummy with my neighbours! Why, I want to be like family! _Oh Sonny! Ravensworth!_"

In sauntered Sonny, followed by the Drysdale's butler, Ravensworth. (2) Ravensworth had several gift-packages in his arms."

"Granny" said Sonny. "I've come to ask your permission to court Elly May"

Granny eyed him skeptically.

"With _what _in mind?" Granny asked.

"Why, marriage, of course!" said Mrs. Drysdale.

"What!" said Granny. "_Him_, marry Elly May!"

"You have no idea how many girls' hearts I'm break by deciding to settle down in marriage!" said Sonny.

"Well, you're better than nothing!" Granny said after an awkward pause. "Elly did always love the strangest critters."

"How droll!" said Mrs. Drysdale.

"Well, let's not just stand here gabbing!" said Granny. "Come into the fancy sittin' parlour and we'll talk about Sonny comin' a' courting."

"Can you believe it?" said Granny to Jed in the kitchen. "The moment's we've been waiting for all these years has come to pass!"

"Seems as if Sonny has already asked for Elly's hand years ago" said Jed skeptically.

"Well, he wants to try again" said Granny. "At this point, what have we got to lose?"

"I think Elly can do a lot better than Sonny" said Jed. "Seems as if those two don't have a thing in common."

"When will you get it through your head, Jed" said Granny. "Elly's way past marrying age. The poor girl's practically a spinster."

"I don't believe that" said Jed.

"Well, believe it" said Granny plainly. "We's got to settle."

"Elly will marry whomever she wants" said Jed sternly. "I don't you pushing her into any marriage, let alone one she don't want!"

"Of course" said Granny.

"You see that you do!" said Jed.

She waited for Jed to leave.

"But I'm going to do the best to convince her!" said Granny to herself. "She'll be a bee-you-ti-ful bride, even if that goomer Sonny is the groom!"

Elly May was out by the cement pond in her bathing suit. She had her pet monkey Bessie at the side. Bessie was clapping, while Elly May was beaming a radiant smile.

"That's a great job May!" she said, to the cat that was swimming in the pool. "I told you cats shouldn't be afraid of going into the water. Why, it's great exercise and fun too! It's also a nice way to cool down on a hot day."

May soon tired of swimming, and swam up to Elly's arms.

"That a go May" said Elly. "Here! I'll drys you off so you can go sit in the sun like you usually do!"

"I declare" said Granny, who had just arrived. "I never thought I'd see a cat that'll swim in the pool of it's own free will!"

"It's easy if you're kind to critters and understand their feelings!" said Elly.

"_Speaking of CRITTERS_" said Granny significantly. "There's a big rascal that you may be fond of coming here soon!"

"What kind of critter!" said Elly. "Oh, I hope it's another bear like Fairchild!" (3)

"Even better!" said Granny. "It's the one and only Sonny Drysdale!"

Granny was happy to see that Elly was pleased with the news.

"It'll be nice to see Sonny again!" she said. "It's been years since I've seen him!"

"Maybe he's fixin' to court you!" hinted Granny.

"I hope not!" said Elly. "Sonny's a nice friend and all, but if he proposes I's going to have to turn him down and I'll have to hurt his feelin's again just like last time! Why, Sonny's like my pet cat May. They's extra sensitive upset if you do anything to hurt their feelings!"

"So then, why turn him down!" said Granny excitedly. "This Beverly Hills ain't exactly full of eligible bachelors!"

"Cause I don't love him" said Elly. "I can't marry someone who I don't love!"

"Aa!" scoffed Granny, "If he courts you again you might just change your mind!"

"We's don't have much we both like" said Elly. "I'd love to marry a farmer, and raise critters and bring up children in a little log cabin!"

"Sometimes, Elly" said Granny sadly, "you just have to settle! There's plenty of things to be said for city folks like Sonny. Just give me time to think of something and I'll tell you!"

"Shoot!" said Elly. "I don't want a city feller less'm I likes him. Last year I was all ready to settle for Mark Templeton. We had lots of stuff's we both liked, like critters, and he was even from back home!'

"That coward!" said Granny angrily. "The sailor who ran away from the Grunion! Why settle for a coward like Mark when there's a coward like Sonny coming tonight right to your door step tonight! Besides, that sailor made me look like a durn fool pretending to be half frog and all!"

"But Granny," said Elly May. "You just thought he was half frog because of his diving suit!"

"That ain't had nothing to do with it!" said Granny sternly. "Besides, we's talking about Sonny, not the frog boy!"

Granny added.

"You say that Sonny's a friend and you want to see him again? So what's the matter with you just talking to Sonny tonight in the fancy courtin' parlour?"

"There ain't nothing wrong with that" Elly observed.

"That's right!" exclaimed Granny. "And how's about I fix up a fine supper to welcome him! Some of my swamp surprise for starters, grits and hog jowls with fresh gopher gravy for the main course and some candied beaver tails for dessert!"

"Wow-wee" said Elly. "That's a supper fit for a king! The Drysdales will sure love that!"

"Well, they's our guests!" said Granny. "How about you help me by getting the vittles out of the root cellar! And make sure to keep them away from Jethro until I's ready to cook 'em!"

_Granny watched Elly leave_.

"This ain't going to be as easy as I thought" said Granny. "But that's a fine girl, and she deserves to be a bride if it's the last thing I do!

Granny thought a moment.

"This is a switch!" she said. "It's the man who's willing and my own granddaughter I need to convince!"

"That's no problem for a ol' pro at matchmaking like me" Granny observed. (4) "All's I got to do is to mush and mould Sonny into Elly's dream man!"

**Notes**

(1) In the sixth season episode _The Social Climbers_, Mrs. Drysdale tries to get into Granny's good graces when she believes a socialite is paying her a visit. Granny is similarly sceptical.

(2) Ravensworth, the Drysdale's butler, appears in several early episodes. His last appearance is sometime in the fourth season.

(3) Bessie is one of Elly's pet monkeys, and Fairchild is a pet bear.

(4) In the third season episode _The Widow Poke Arrives_, Granny is revealed to be a matchmaker of considerable skill. Here, she attempts to marry Jed Clampett to the Widow Poke.


	6. The Feud Begins

**Chapter 6: The Feud Begins**

All this time, Mrs. Drysdale and Sonny were in the fancy courtin' parlour talking to Jed. What would this unlikely trio discuss? Something very near and dear to Sonny's heart. Sonny Drysdale.

Patient and as good natured as Jed Clampett was, he couldn't help thinking_ "This boy thinks mighty highly of himself. A might too highly, if you ask me. Maybe I ought to drop a hint, it might do'em some good in the future!"_

"Now, at Yale" bragged Sonny. "I wrote an excellent treatise on the role of money in society and social interaction, and its distorting affects. Being from an old Bostonian family, I felt myself uniquely advantaged to discuss this matter as an observer not beholden to the machinations of the_ nouveau riche._ As an earl, I am sure you too can relate!" (1)

"Sonny!" Mrs. Drysdale practically hissed at her son.

"Don't that beat all?" thought Jed. "I didn't know them two heard about that. I reckon Mr. Drysdale keeps the Mrs. up on the neighbourhood gossip. Funny she never mentioned it before."

"So, you've heard tell about my castle in England?" said Jed aloud.

"Oh, yes" said Mrs. Drysdale, "We know about your English estate."

Jed looked at her shrewdly, "_Mrs. Drysdale puts a whole store by this high muckety-muck society business"_ he thought. "_Is this the reason she's aiming to match her boy with my Elly!"_

"Of course, it doesn't make any difference to us!" Mrs. Drysdale added quickly. "You're the same fine people I've been honored to know these past ten years!"

_Jed chewed on this obvious lie for a few moments. He knew people sometimes made matches, not out of love, but for a farm, a cabin, someone to support them. However, that wouldn't do for Elly. He wouldn't have his daughter treated like this. But he was a peace loving man. He didn't have any proof the Mrs. or her son were doing anything underhanded. Hadn't Sonny tried to marry Elly before he inherited that castle, nigh unto five years ago? Hadn't Sonny courted Elly when the clan first came to Beverly Hills? Had Mr. Drysdale ever put any faith in that high society business? No. He'd keep his eye out, maybe, but he wasn't go and mean mouth them if he hadn't any proof._

"Mr. Clampett?" questioned Sonny.

"Well dogies" said Jed, finally. "I'm glad you heard tell about my English castle. Now, ever a time you, your ma or pa are in England, I'll be honoured to have you visit the place and say Faversham to the people who take care of it. I'm sure Mr. Domo, he's the headman you know, will give you a great welcome!" (2)

"We'd be honoured!" said Mrs. Drysdale. "Even more as family . . . if you know what I mean, Mr. Clampett, or should I say, Lord Clampett!"

As Jed Clampett _didn't_ know what she meant, he didn't answer.

"JED" said Granny, rushing in. "Oh, Sonny, Mrs. Drysdale!

"Greetings, to my bestest friend!" gushed Mrs. Drysdale.

"No time for that" interrupted Granny. "I's gonna teach Sonny hows to look after Elly's critters. The way to that girl's heart is through her critters. We've got all afternoon as she's a going to be a cooking in the kitchen."

"Granny!" warned Jed.

"I'll be back before she's ruined . . . oops, er, done all the work!" said Granny.

"That's not what I meant, Granny!" said Jed.

"We's talk'in at dinner" Granny snapped. "I's got to get back before my gopher gravy's overdone . . . all outdone by Elly's own cookin'. JETHRO! Come in here!"

In came Jethro. At least ten chickens were perched on his head and shoulders, he was leading five dogs by a string, Bessie was holding his left hand, a goat was chewed his right pant leg, and at least seven cats were following in toll.

Mrs. Drysdale screamed.

"How's anybody gonna believe I'm a rich Hollywood playboy if I's have all these animals" complained Jethro.

"These'll do for starters" said Granny. Now, you make friends with her critters and it'll impress Elly to no end. Maybe, if you do good, we can try and introduce you to Fairchild, Elly's bear. Meanwhile, I's got cooking to do . . . . I's mean help Elly with!"

"Granny!" said Jed again.

Granny rushed away.

Mrs. Drysdale and Sonny were left looking helplessly at the menagerie Jethro brought into the room.

"Jethro, you get these critters outside!" said Jed angrily.

"But Granny just said to bring them in!" Jethro complained.

"Never you mind" said Jed. "I've got to see Granny!"

"Oh, we don't mind" said Mrs. Drysdale weakly.

"Maybe we could keep, say, two cats and a dog?" suggested Sonny helpfully.

"Alright" said Jed. "Two cats and a dog!"

The doorbell rang.

Jed went to the front door. No sooner had he opened it, than in rushed Cousin Pearl and Miss Hathaway.

"Jed!" said Pearl. "Has Sonny proposed to Elly?"

"Now, hold your horses Pearl" said Jed. "You're acting just like Granny, not to mention Mrs. Drysdale and Sonny. Give the young'uns time to get reacquainted."

"They had better not!" interjected Miss Hathaway.

"Why not?" said Jed.

"There's treachery afoot!" said Miss Hathaway.

"You don't say?" said Jed. "Is it good hunting?"

"No, Jed" said Pearl. "She means that Mrs. Drysdale and Sonny are trying to pull the wool over your eyes!"

"I see" said Jed, grave at once. "You mean Mrs. Drysdale wants Sonny to get hitched to Elly just because of the title."

"Far worse!" Cousin Pearl spilled. "While Sonny and Mrs. Drysdale are going after the title, Mr. Drysdale wants _your_ money in _his _family!"

"And Sonny Drysdale has shamelessly spurned his fiancé, the young lady Miss Charity Mendicant, in this ignoble courtship!" announced Miss Hathaway.

"But, Jed, how do you know?" added Pearl.

"I sort of reckoned it may be so" said Jed. "It ain't natural for Mrs. Drysdale to big as pleased as a pig in the waller after acting mad as a wet hen for all the time we've been here."

* * *

Mrs. Drysdale and Sonny knew the jig was up when Jed Clampett, Cousin Pearl and Miss Hathaway came into the parlour with grave faces. Mrs. Drysdale's attempt at a cheery greeting died in her throat.

"Ma'am" said Jed. "I would have expected better than this from the Drysdales, after all them years we've been acquainted your husband. But for you to try to trick Elly into marriage . . . not for the love of my daughter, but to get this here oil money and that there castle in England . . . that just done beats the cake."

"Why, whatever do you mean?" lied Mrs. Drysdale.

"I'm sure you know exactly what Mr. Clampett means!" said Miss Hathaway haughtily.

"My husband will have your job for this!" replied Mrs. Drysdale.

"He's welcome to it" said Miss Hathaway.

"He'll ensure you'll never work as a secretary again!" Mrs. Drysdale added.

"If he's so ornery, seems as if we can tide her over till something new turns up" said Jed sternly. "On account of her telling us the lay of the last, and many past kindnesses, and general good neighbourliness. As for you two, I'm going to have to ask you out of my house. I'll be calling your husband direct to see about moving my money to Mr. Cushing's bank (3). Can't be beholden to someone for keeping my money who tried this conniving."

"This is absurd!" said Sonny.

"I don't cotton you throwing aside your own love so you can woo my daughter for my money" said Jed. "You go and make this up to that there lovely Miss Charity. Befores I tell Granny and let her start a feud!"

"Come, Sonny!" said Mrs. Drysdale, grandly but nervously nonetheless.

The Drysdales made a dignified, albeit hasty retreat.

"And don't you dare come back!" said Cousin Pearl.

"Now the only question is how to break this to Elly" mused Jed.

* * *

As it happened, breaking it to Elly wasn't quite so difficult.

"Shoot!" said Elly. "I never did love Sonny. Now that he's been so onery, I don't like him worth shucks. If he ever comes to lie and claims he loves me, I'll put him in a headlock 'til he goes back to that there poor girl of his charity."

The Clampett clan and Miss Hathaway had gathered round the kitchen table to discuss the matter. Now, Granny chimed in.

"Elly has been insulted by them twofaced Drysdales!" said Granny. "The code of the hills calls for a feud!"

"Granny!" said Miss Hathaway, shocked.

"Now, Granny" said Jed. "We ain't in the hills. I'm a peace loving man. We've done maintained our honour in spite of great provocation."

"Just a small one, Jed!" begged Granny.

"No" said Jed.

"Bah!" said Granny. "Throwing the Drysdales out of the house ain't done nothing for our honour. Not less we done it to start a feud!"

"There'll be no feud, Granny" said Jed. "This ain't the hills. There ain't no fuedin' in Beverly Hills."

"You mean it, Mr. Clampett?" asked Miss Hathaway.

"I don't take no stock in fightin' unless'n we's have to" said Jed.

"Weak kneed, chicken livered talk if ever'n I heard it" said Granny.

"I'm so glad" said Miss Hathaway. "Now, I can tell you _all _I know."

"Miss Hathaway!" warned Pearl. "Don't."

"Oh, it's fine, Mrs. Bodine!" said Miss Hathaway. "Now I can tell you all about the so-called invasion of the grunion."

* * *

Miss Hathaway did tell all she knew about the so-called invasion of the grunion, oblivious to Granny's angry interjections, and the increasingly grim look on Jed's face.

"Well!" concluded Miss Hathaway. "The first thing we can do is try and place Elly's romance back on track!"

"The first thing we do" said Granny, "is feud the Drysdales! Making us look like durn fools. I never liked the frog boy but this takes the cake. Jed, what're you gonna do about it? Mr. Drysdale wrecking what might have been Elly's happiness"

"I'll give Mr. Drysdale a whupping he won't soon forget!" said Elly, angrily. "I would have been happy to be hitched up with Mark, and now he's gone done and got himself transferred after I told him I couldn't be dating no coward!"

"He wasn't gonna hitch himself up with a plain girl likes you!" said Jethro.

"THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU" roared Pearl, so loud that Granny jumped in surprise. "You're coming with me, Jethro!"

"Take em' to the woodshed!" said Granny.

"NO!" said Miss Hathaway.

"I think that this time I will!" said Pearl, grabbing Jethro by the ear in spite of his protestations. "You stay her Miss Jane" Pearl ordered.

Miss Hathaway, was, for once, at a loss ford words.

"Is that true, Elly?" said Jed quietly, after Pearl had dragged out her overgrown son. "Were you really happy?"

"Shoot, I sure was!" said Elly.

"I don't like Drysdale making us look like durn fools, hunting grunions" said Jed. "But this ruining my daughter's happiness . . . just because he didn't want me to take some of the oil money out of his bank.

"Say the word, Jed" said Granny. "We've been provoked beyond ALL human endurance. (4)

"You're right, Granny" said Jed. "The Drysdales have done started themselves a feud,

"And there ain't gonna be a Drysdale that dare step in Beverly Hills when we've done with them" said Granny. "Elly get the guns!" (5)

* * *

Notes

(1) Sonny mentions this paper in one of his first season appearances. He complains to his mother that money "makes the rich the equal to us."

(2) Faversham is the name of the head butler, but the Clampetts misunderstand and believe his name is an English way of saying hello. They believe his name is Mr. Domo, as he first introduced himself as the majordomo.

(3) A few episodes feature a rival bank president, Mr. Cushing of the Merchant's Bank of Beverly Hills.

(4) Jed lets Granny fights on a few occasions, after being provoked. One notable example was when a wrestling promoter initiates a fight between Granny and a woman wrestler known as the "Boston Stronggirl".

(5) Clampetts feud the Drysdales in Chapter 7.


	7. The Great Feud

**Chapter 7: ****The Great Feud **(1)

Mr. Drysdale was in a fury. The Drysdale dining room practically shook as he gave full range to his temper.

"How could you lose me that account! I'll get Miss Hathaway for this! She'll never get another job south of Nome, Alaska!"

"How could I humble myself to those Clampetts!" replied Mrs. Drysdale. "I'll have a genealogical check on them. I'm sure they were elevated to the peerage through some bit of chicanery!"

"Oh, that will show them," said Mr. Drysdale with deadly sarcasm.

Further reply was cutoff by a gunshot through the window.

The Drysdales screamed, Sonny and Mr. Drysdale included.

"It's Granny" said Ravensworth, the butler. "She's out on the lawn."

"This is to give you fair warning, Banker Drysdale!" Granny announced. "The feud has begun! Your sending us on a wild goose chase after them grunion fish, your breaking up Elly's romance, and your trying to hitch her up with your son to get Jed's money!"

"No wait, Granny" said Mr. Drysdale, running toward the window. "Let's talk. Don't take out your money . . . ."

Another shot from Granny singed Mr. Drysdale's hair.

"Next time, I'll be aiming for you, Drysdale!" said Granny. "The time for talk is over. We Clampetts have been provoked beyond all hu-man en-durance! Don't take out the money, you say? Well, next time we meet you'll be taking buckshot out of your hide!"

Granny left quickly.

"Let us call the police!" said Mrs. Drysdale.

"Then we can have the Clampett's appreciation when we drop all charges" schemed Mr. Drysdale.

"Or keep them imprisoned for life."

There was another gunshot.

"The phone is dead, sir" said Ravensworth. "The hillbillies have shot down the phone lines."

"I think I will faint!" said Mrs. Drysdale. She did, and fell to the floor before Ravensworth or Sonny could catch her. Mr. Drysdale himself made no effort.

* * *

With the phone lines down, Jed ordered Granny, Elly May and Jethro to halt.

"Why? We've got them on the run!" said Elly. "Let's sneak up and storm the mansion before they can get themselves organized!"

"I reckon its only _fair_ we do" said Jed. "We've given 'em notice and we'll wait about twenty minutes for them to have a fair chance."

"Bah!" said Granny. "This is the most watered down feud in history!"

"Let's storm the kitchen!" argued Jethro.

"Didn't take the Beverly Hills boob to take back to good mountain traditions like fueding" said Granny. "That's more than I can say for his Ma, chicken-livered Pearl!"

"Granny, you know Pearl don't know how to shoot worth shucks" said Jed. "She's better off keeping the home fort."

* * *

Cousin Pearl and Miss Hathaway were in the Clampett kitchen consulting over a cup of coffee.

"I hope the Clampetts don't do not find themselves injured!" said Miss Hathaway.

Pearl snorted. She had reluctantly complied with Granny's order to keep a rifle at her side, but she was under no illusion she'd need to use it.

"I hope them Drysdales don't get themselves all killed, mean as they are" said Cousin Pearl. "I'm a peace loving woman and don't hold with this old fashioned feudin'!"

"Perchance a call to the constabulary will forestall bloodshed" said Miss Hathaway. "It may be the lesser of two evils!"

"What in sam hill is a constabulary?" asked Pearl.

"The police!" said Miss Hathaway.

"Don't you go calling the pole - eece on my clan!" said Pearl furiously. "Or, city woman, rather than have you as a daughter-in-law I'll beat you black and blue until next Tuesday! And a scrawny strung out thing you are too!"

"It . . . it was only a thought" protested Miss Hathaway.

"Well, you go and unthink it or I'll forget I'm a peace loving woman!"

* * *

The Drysdales had finally made their own feud preparations. Not, however, before Mr. Drysdale had sent Ravensworth to scout a route for a strategic retreat. Ravensworth returned with a hole in his hat.

"We're surrounded!" he said.

"That's impossible" said Mr. Drysdale. "There's only four of them, and I can see Jethro and Elly beside Jed.

"It's Granny, sir" said Ravensworth. "She has the back and west side of the mansion in her view. Meanwhile, the others command the front. The west side, of course, is only good for fleeing in the direction of the Clampetts. I suggest we retreat to higher ground."

The Drysdales had once had six servants. A gardener, a cook, Ravensworth, a chauffer, a maid, and an upstairs maid.(2) Mr. Drysdale's increasing cheapness, Mrs. Drysdale's increasingly rare visits home, had meant the staff had decreased.

Ravensworth, who usually accompanied Mrs. Drysdale to Boston. A much put upon maid. And a gardener who doubled as the chauffer.

So, with four old skeet shooting guns (3), leftover from the days when Mr. Drysdale wasn't too cheap for a unprofitable hobby, Mr. Drysdale, Sonny, Ravensworth, and the gardener were armed. Not exactly to the teeth, but armed nonetheless.

The Drysdale last stand would be from Mrs. Drysdale's bedroom. It had a commanding view of the nearest staircase, and a view of the yard. It also had a view of a tree that Elly might use to shimmy up and take them from behind.

"Dad-blamed fool city folk" said Granny, observing them mull around Mrs. Drysdale's window. "Gave up all their defences and trapped themselves in an upper story rathole. Some feud! I should tells em' to ambush us from just inside the door!"

Jed Clampett perceived the Drysdales' foolish strategy, and determined that now was the time to strike.

"Shoot, Pa" said Elly. "This'll be like shooting fish in a barrel."

"We're not going to do no killing" said Jed. "The Clampett clan ain't no murderers. We're going to defeat the Drysdales, win back our honour and Granny's good temper, and deal with them proper."

* * *

The Clampett assault of the Drysdale mansion was successful. Going a roundabout way, they broke into a french door beyond the range of the Drysdale's guns. With stealth, they went through the parlour, into the kitchen, and up a back staircase. This placed the Clampetts unobserved in the upstairs hall.

"Now," whispered Jed, "follow me young'uns. We can take 'em by surprise and force 'em to lay down our weapons."

"Then we can't shoot 'em!" said Granny, indignantly.

"Granny, you don't really want to put bullets into them!" chided Jed. "You could actually kill them, and your conscience will never ease up."

"No use telling them that" said Granny. "But a feud is a feud!"

"That's why were' a gonna outsmart them" said Jed. "We'll win the feud, according to the code of the hills, and we won't have any blood on our hands!"

"If you wants outsmarting" said Jethro, "then give it me and my educated brain. That rascal has the plan of the century!"

"You! Plan!" scoffed Elly May.

"I'll show you" said Jethro, "I barge in and take them now!"

"NO, Jethro" said Jed.

Jethro, however, was unstoppable. At least from the Clampetts' end.

"LOOK OUT DRYSDALES" shouted Jethro. "Here I come!"

And come he did, sprinting along to Mrs. Drysdale's door. After a moment, Granny and Jed rushed after Jethro, trying to save him.

"Not that way!" yelled Granny. "You're gonna get yourself shot!"

Mrs. Drysdale, who had just recovered, fainted again. Sonny fainted as well, dropping his gun and accidentally discharging a bullet through the window. Mr. Drysdale panicked, shot wildly, at the ceiling, bring down the chandelier inches away from Mrs. Drysdale and Sonny.

Ravensworth and the Chauffer were the only ones not to completely panic. The Chauffer missed the charging Jethro, but barely, sending a bullet through the doorframe.

It was Ravensworth who hit his target. Jethro gave a cry of pain, and before anyone could do anything, fainted dead away on the floor.

"We'll take those" said Jed, with his rifle aimed at Ravensworth. Granny arrived with her rifle aimed at chauffer. Elly May collected the guns.

Thus, the great feud over, the Drysdales and their servants were taken prisoner; leaving Granny to doctor the wounded Jethro.

**Notes:**

(1) _The Great Feud_ was the name of a first-season episode.

(2) In a few early episodes, Ravensworth and an upstairs maid appears. Other servants, such as a cook, are occasionally mentioned.

(3) Mr. Drysdale was a member of a skeet club in a first season episode.


	8. Granny's Doctorin'

**Chapter 8 ****Granny's Doctorin'**

The bullet had entered Jethro's shoulder, and was, in fact, what is commonly called a flesh wound. However, Granny insisted that it would be far better to doctor him back at the Clampett Mansion, where she had all her medical supplies.

So, it happened that Jethro was revived with a flower vase full of water and dragged by his good arm back to his room next door.

"Let me help my Jethro" said Cousin Pearl

"Jethro, dear boy!" said Miss Hathaway

"You two shush!" ordered Granny, as, with Elly's help, she put Jethro to bed, and slammed his room door. "This is work for the doctor! Not civilians!"

"Haven't we better get a Beverly Hills college doctor?" asked Cousin Pearl.

"I know Doctor Clyburn's number" volunteered Miss Hathaway. (1)

"WHAT !" Granny yelled. "I haven't doctored all these years to let my own flesh and blood be taken care of by some no-nothing-city-sawbones!"

"But Granny . . ." tried Pearl.

"QUIET" ordered Granny. "Or don't you want me to cure Jethro?"

That quieted Pearl, so Granny went to get her medical bag. Sterilizing her instruments with her corn squeezing's, she pulled the bullet out of Jethro's shoulder, ignoring his hollering.

"Quiet boy, or do you want my knife to slip!" Granny scolded. "If you had listened to me and fued'd proper, this wouldn't have happened!"

Granny cauterised and disinfected the wound, using the same all purpose "corn squeezings", and expertly plastered and bound it.

"That hurts!" complained Jethro.

"As you've been wounded" said Granny, "There's an exemption to the rule that you have to married to drink my moon . . . corn squeezings. This'll be a handy anaesthetic."

"But you're supposed to anaesthetize before the operation" Jethro complained.

"That's what you get from a Beverly Hills sixth-grade education" Granny sighed. "Everything backwards!"

Granny poured a large glass (carefully, the stuff could be volatile), and pushing down on Jethro's lower jaw, poured it down his throat.

For Jethro, it seemed as if a bomb had gone off in his head. And, of course, a bomb going off in Jethro's head would lend to plenty of echo. (2) Before the echos had entirely faded away, Jethro was out like a light. (3)

For good measure, Granny tried some of her brew herself.

"This is the best batch yet" she cackled, as she skipped out of the room looking to tell Miss Hathaway and Pearl of the operation's success. However, before she got to the door, Granny remembered to stop and give thanks for being the instrument by which Jethro was healed.

* * *

"What happened?" said Miss Hathaway, panicky.

She had heard Granny praying, but only indistinctly through the door, and had jumped to the false conclusion that something had went wrong.

"Jethro's cured" said Granny, looking heavenwards. "I was simply giving thanks."

"Can I see my baby!" asked Pearl.

"Some baby!" scoffed Granny. "No, he's still under general anaesthesia."

"Not your moonshine!" said Pearl.

"No, my medicinal corn squeezing" said Granny angrily.

"Then he's lying there, stone, cold, drunk" said Pearl.

"It's not my fault he can't take his liquor like a hill man" Granny retorted.

"Why, I'm telling you . . ." started Pearl. "Wait, Miss Jane, this might work in our favour. Jethro just being wounded, his head full of . . . Granny's corn squeezings . . . he'll be like the apple ready to drop from the tree."

"I don't want Jethro like _that_" Miss Jane objected.

"Are you two matchmaking?" said Granny. "Without me?"

"Well" said Pearl, hesitantly. "We thought it was high time Jethro got married. And stopped this foolish business of giving off airs saying he's a Hollywood playboy and whatnot."

"I'm a bit busy trying to get Elly back to that frog-boy" mused Granny, "But Jethro's gonna be asleep for the rest of the day, so I figure we'll have time for him tonight . . . Now, Pearl, Jane, let me tell you something that _I know _and _you don't_. Jed's been aiming to have a _long _talk with Jethro for a_ long, long, long, long, long _time. And there's no time like now. When Jed's finished, if Jed does his talk right, Jethro's gonna be stone sober and feelin' very low. That's when, Miss Jane, he'll fall into your hands.

"Such subterfuge!" said Miss Jane.

"What's that mean?" asked Granny.

"I think it means she thinks it's underhanded" said Pearl.

"Listen, Miss Jane" said Granny. "No man ever gets caught unless you set a trap for him. How long have you been hoping for some man to come to you without any scheming or plotting on your part?"

"Well . . . ." said Miss Hathaway.

"And have you had any success" Granny asked.

"No" said Miss Hathaway, blushing.

"Isn't it time you tried doing it the right way?" Granny said.

_There was a short pause_.

"On with the subterfuge!" said Miss Hathaway.

* * *

Notes

(1) Dr. Clyburn appears several times on the program, always challenging Granny's unlicensed practice of medicine.

(2) A number of jokes are made about Jethro's head being empty throughout the series. In the sixth season episode "The Army Game", it appears to be literally true. Granny, in giving Jethro a medical examination, observes a draught going through his head. She's able to look in one ear and see a candle on the other side - and even blow the candle out!

(3) Cousin Pearl's elderberry wine has the same effect on Jethrine in "Elly Races Jethrine".


	9. The Treaty of Beverly Hills

**Chapter 9 ****The Treaty of Beverly Hills **

Many great peace conferences and treaties have been concluded through the course of history. The Treaty of Paris concluded the Revolutionary War. The Treaty of Ghent concluded the War of 1812. The Congress of Vienna at the close of the Napoleonic Wars. The Treaty of Versailles between the Allies and the Germans in 1919. And then there's the Treaty of Beverly Hills, which ended the great feud between the Clampetts and the Drysdales . . . . (1)

This great conference is also known as the Surrender of the Drysdales, for that family's total capitulation. Those in the know, however, are most fond of calling it "The Treaty of the Fancy Eatin' Table", for it was in the Clampetts' billiard room that the deal was concluded.

On that fateful day, Jed and Elly frogmarched Mr. Drysdale and Sonny Drysdale to their date with destiny. Ravensworth was allowed to help Mrs. Drysdale, who was near fainting. The other servants remained locked in the Drysdale mansion, and played no further part in the history of that great day.

The reception at the Fancy Eating Table was quite different from the homey Thanksgiving meal the Clampetts had thrown for the Drysdales, all those years before, when they, the Clampetts, had first moved to Beverly Hills. (2)

There sat Granny, Cousin Pearl and Miss Hathaway, all as grim as can be. Granny had her shotgun by her side, Cousin Pearl a fountain pen and notebook.

"You traitor!" Mr. Drysdale snarled, looking at Miss Hathaway and turning purple in the face as he did so. "This is all your fault!"

"I am on the side of virtue!" Miss Hathaway retorted.

"Mr. Drysdale" said Jed Clampett sternly, "I reckon this is your own fault. Had you lived according to the way the good book wanted us to, and not tangled yourself in lies and in your won ornery selfishness this never would have happened. You didn't think or care what you've been doing to other people. Now we trusted you as friend, and having a friend stick a knife in my back . . . and try to ruin my Elly's happiness . . . well it's provocation beyond human en-du-rance."

"Hear here" said Miss Hathaway.

"Will you shut up?" asked Mr. Drysdale.

"You ain't in the position to be giving orders" Granny retorted.

"Tell him, Granny!" said Miss Hathaway.

"You shush!" Granny told her.

"Hmph!" snorted Miss Hathaway, but she shushed notwithstanding.

"So let's sit down and speak turns" said Jed. "I don't know if I can ever forgive, but I can make peace if everything is set right. Now, I'm not a good hand at writing. Jethro's in no condition to record, but I reckon Cousin Pearl's a neat hand and she'll take the notes."

"That I'll do, Jed!" said Pearl.

So the Clampetts sat on one side of the billiard table, and the Drysdales the others. It was Granny who had the honour of reading the indictment recording the crimes of the Drysdales.

"These are our grievances with you yellow chicken Drysdales" she said. "Count One, was destroying Elly's romance with Mark Templeton, an officer in the U-nited States Navy. Count Two, tricking into hunting the invading grunion from the Isle of Grun, when they were just a bunch of lousy teeny fish . . . and later the name of Mr. Drysdale's secretary's organization. Count Three, Sonny leaving poor Miss Charity Mendicant at the altar while he pursues Elly for Jed's money and, and . . . ."

"Title" said Pearl. "Jed's the Earl of Clampett."

"Title" said Granny, "Thank you Pearl . . . but don't you interrupt me again . . . Now, where was I. Oh, yes. Count Four, wounding my baby Jethro in the arm and near killing him. Thanks to heaven, through the humble instrument of my doctorin', he'll be alright. But if you . . . ."

"Thank you, Granny" said Jed quickly. "Now, while four is especially riling, Jethro was hit fair and square during the feud. So it won't be in keeping with justice to punish the Drysdales for that. Ain't that so?"

"I'd still like to whup whoever's responsible" said Pearl, angrily.

"It's that butler fellow right there!" said Granny.

"That's an idea" said Mr. Drysdale. "You can take Ravensworth to the woodshed and we'll consider the case closed."

"But sir, I was only shooting in self defence" Ravensworth objected. "We were going to be shot at ourselves."

"That's just what I said" Jed replied. "But I reckon the best way we can put that bit of bad blood behind us is Ravensworth and the other folks working for the Drysdales to come over and do something neighbourly. That is, help next time we have us a wingding or a shindig."

"A what?" asked Ravensworth.

"A party" said Miss Hathaway.

"Oh, I'll be glad too" said Ravensworth, with a sigh of relief.

"You okay with that Granny, Pearl?"

"Well, I guess it wouldn't be fair to punish them for shooting in a fair fight" said Granny reluctantly. "It's the Code of the Hills."

"What Granny said" agreed Pearl.

"That's count four, all taken care of" said Jed. "Now, Count 1, the most ornery of them all. Breaking off Elly's romance."

"R-r-romances can be repaired" said Mrs. Drysdale, speaking for the first time and pale as a ghost. "Why, I'll do my best to bring them back together. I'll go personally where-ever he is and, and, beg."

"Beg!" asked Sonny, shocked.

"Let's just get out of here alive!" screamed Mrs. Drysdale, who promptly fainted.

"Granny, give her a bit of your jug" said Jed.

Granny did as she was told, with a bit of grumbling. Mrs. Drysdale was force fed a glass or so, she was put at ease but was of no further use in the negotiations.

"I reckon as Mr. Drysdale's the one who sowed this mess, he's the one as got to confess to Mark what he's done and see about getting him back"

"I'll do it" said Mr. Drysdale. "I'll do it."

"Now, Elly, anything else?" Jed asked.

"Shucks, Pa" said Elly. "I would like to whup Mr. Drysdale for what he's done, but as long as I gets Mark back I guess I'm alright forgiving."

"Well, that's the spirit" said Jed.

Jed was a good man, but he wasn't perfect. So he made a suggestion that would be sure to delight Elly and horrify Mr. Drysdale.

"Why don't you bake Mr. Drysdale a cake, and watch him eat the entire thing" said Jed, and he gave Mr. Drysdale a glance that was uncharacteristically hard. "It'll be what's coming to him if he can get Mark back. Otherwise, we'll have something else in store . . . ." (3)

"I'll be glad to" said Mr. Drysdale, in a tone of absolute horror.

"Now Count 2, our humiliation over the grunion" put in Granny.

"No, Count 3 first, poor Miss Charity Mendicant and her marriage to Sonny."

"Oh, I'll marry her for sure" said Sonny. "She's the daughter of a Nova Scotia baronet you know! The only thing is, her father's land poor and has no dowry. We'll need a couple of hundred thousand dollars to marry, start a family, raise a young future baronet of our own, repair Mendicant Hall."

"Well, if she wants to marry you" Granny observed. "That's her problem."

"Don't you think she ought to know she was jilted" asked Jed.

"No" said Pearl. "It'll only hurt her feelings and do her no good."

"Well, I see that's a fair solution young Sonny proposed" said Jed. "Seems as if Mr. Drysdale was to blame for this here mess anyways. And we can't fault Sonny too much for no going against his Pa."

"No, you can't, can you?" said Sonny quickly. "My Pa's word has always been law."

"Hmph" said Miss Hathaway, who years before had been privy to Mr. Drysdale's mental anguish in dealing with a snobby hypochondriac wife and her lazy ingrate of a son. (4)

It was that memory that made Miss Hathaway suddenly thoughtful, and she again considered how Mr. Drysdale could be reformed instead of utterly destroyed.

"The chief" thought Miss Hathaway, "hadn't always been this grasping, conniving and dishonest, after all. He was once a halfway honourable man, but what dark depths he's sank into these part ten years!"

"You turn quicker than a rattlesnake that's had his tail trod upon" Jed told Sonny. "But I reckon Mr. Drysdale's still to blame. So it's only right that so long as he agrees to set you and Charity up in housekeeping - one million even'll be enough I reckon - we drop Count 3."

"I think that's fair" said Sonny. "I don't think dear old Pa would want to stand in the way of everybody's happiness."

Everybody's eyes once again turned to "dear old Pa".

"Agreed" gulped dear old Pa, turning a sickly shade of green.

"I think he should make out the cheque right now" announced Miss Hathaway.

"Ooh!" said Sonny. "That's an excellent idea!"

So Mr. Drysdale made up the cheque, and thus bequeathed a large portion of his fortune unto Sonny Drysdale and his bride to be, Charity Mendicant. And that, of course, left Count 3. The humiliation of the Clampetts.

"I think we all agree that Mr. Drysdale's the one who's the skunk in the root cellar here" said Jed. "The question is what we're going to give him for it?"

"Give him ten seconds head start" suggested Granny, "And I'll get my shotgun, fill it with rock salt and bacon rind. Pow!"

"He won't sit down for a month" said Pearl.

"No!" Mr. Drysdale objected.

"May I speak up?" said Miss Hathaway.

"I reckon it'll be alright" said Jed.

"The cowering, craven creature you see before you is not the Mr. Drysdale I went to work for thirt . . . ten . . . a few years before. I should say, I went to work for him when I first met Jethro."

"Jethro" said Mr. Drysdale, seeing his opportunity. "It's that old story with you, you're unrequited love's been rekindled once again? That's what this is about? Well, listen, Granny, Pearl, Jed. I don't know lies Miss Hathaway has told you but I guarantee to you that she no less than eight . . . more like ten years older than the boy! She's the oldest and sparest of spinsters!"

"I'm only thirty-four" blurted out Miss Hathaway. She blushed, and then she started to sob uncontrollably. "I deceived you all! I'm not only four years older than Jethro, but closer to eight. Oh, my best years _are_ behind me."

"There, there" said Granny. "It's not uncommon for a woman to lie about her age. Especially if she's an old maid like you."

Miss Hathaway cried all the louder.

"An old maid like _you are now_" said Granny. "But not for long."

"I ain't so pleased to be lied to" said Pearl, crossly. "But, I reckoned she was older than she claimed."

"Do you want me to tell everybody how old you really are?" said Granny.

"Hmph" said Pearl. "I said I ain't so pleased at being lied to. But I figured that Jethro needs an intelligent city woman to keep him in line, so it'll be okay. Just in this case."

"A intelligent, fine, caring, loving city woman like Miss Jane" said Granny.

"He sure needs a wife that wouldn't mind lookin' after him" observed Elly.

"I agree with all of you" said Jed. "It's always best to be open and truthful, but here we can forgive and forget about a little matter of four years. So, wes'll just forget about how old you are Miss Jane. I've always heard that there is a woman's privilege. And, Mr. Drysdale, I can't fault you for telling the truth, but I can fault you for the reason why you told the truth. It weren't to help anyone but it were revenge, tattling a lady's secrets and hurting the feelings of a fine woman like Miss Jane."

"Thank you" said Miss Hathaway. "But, as I was going to say, when I went to work for Mr. Drysdale he was an honest man. He looked after his family obligations, and did his work as bank president conscientiously. However, he was infected by usury and greed. Then there was the legacy of Mr. Drysdale's father, truly a evil man. (5) That also weighed upon him. And you all know the rest! Year by year, he grew more greedy and underhanded. The Milburn Drysdale you met ten years ago would never have done such a despicable and absurd trick as that of the grunion."

"It's the oil money's as done it" said Granny. "It's a regular curse!"

"But there's a cure!" said Miss Hathaway. "There is a type of doctor that cures sick minds instead of sick bodies."

"I have the medicine for sick minds" Granny pointed out.

"Oh, but he can't go to you" Miss Hathaway interjected forcefully. "He'll be too ashamed to admit the evil of his ways to his dear neighbours. But there's another doctor you know well! Dr. Klinger! (6) If Mr. Drysdale sees him regularly, I'm sure that he will return to his old self!"

"I don't see how that's gonna work!" Elly objected.

"Oh, Dr. Klinger is a fine doctor" Granny said. "But as a doctor myself, Mr. Drysdale shouldn't have no problem going to me to be cured!"

"So you agree, Granny?" asked Jed.

"If he comes to me" said Granny.

"But you're going to be busy doin' for Elly May and maybe Jethro and Miss Hathaway" said Jed. "And by that time Dr. Klinger would have been able to make a good start."

"Well, I suppose I can pass up the case . . . just this once" Granny allowed. "Can I still take a couple of shots of him with rock salt and bacon rind?"

"No" said Jed.

"Some feud" scoffed Granny.

"So, Mr. Drysdale, are's you going to this doctor?" asked Pearl. "Or should Granny rock salt and bacon rind you?"

"_And _are you going to pay his fees and follow his treatments no questions asked?" added Miss Hathaway. "Or are you going to be standing up for a long, long time!"

"Anything" said Mr. Drysdale, gulping. "Anything".

"Okay, that's settled Count 3" observed Jed. "Look's like we're about done. We'll have Mr. Drysdale amend his affairs to us and his family."

"Wait just a minute!" said Granny. "There's Count 5!"

"What's that?" asked Pearl.

"It's time for Jed to have that long talk with Jethro!" said Granny. "He's postponed it these last almost ten years. It's Jed's duty as head of the clan to knock some sense in that boy!"

"You're right, Granny" said Pearl. "It's about time. Jethro's becoming impossible.

"Is impossible, you mean" observed Elly.

"Well, Jed, how about it?"

It Jed's turn to look pale.

"I reckon you're right" Jed admitted. "I've been putting it off 'cause even the short talks with him are so depressing. But with things coming to a head like this, and Jethro laid up in bed and forced to listen, it's time I did my duty by the clan, by Pearl, and also by Miss Jane here. Tonight I have the talk. There's only I thing I want, Granny.

"What that Jed?" asked Granny.

"All the coffee you can brew" said Jed. "I think I'm's gonna be at it a long, long time . . . .

So, the Treaty of Beverly Hills aka The Surrender of the Drysdales aka The Treaty of the Fancy Eatin' Table was concluded as follows, in Cousin Pearl's fine, fancy old fashioned slanted handwriting:

1 Mr. Drysdale has to go right away to get navy man Mark Templeton and reunite him with Elly May, hoping that he'll propose and them two'll get hitched, which is only the logical, true and rightful outcome. Elly May'll make Mr. Drysdale a cake, and Mr. Drysdale's gonna eat every last crumb. Else Mr. Drysdale'll will be shot with rock and bacon rind.

2 After Mr. Drysdale's gone and gotten the frogman back to Elly, he's gonna go to Dr. Klinger who'll fix his head. And his stomach, if eating the whole cake disagrees with him too bad. Else Mr. Drysdale'll will be shot with rock salt and bacon rind.

3\. Sonny Drysdale will be hitched to Miss Charity Mendicant, daughter of Sir Wastrel Mendicant, Baronet, of Mendicant Hall. Mr. Drysdale's gonna give them 1 million dollars to set up housekeeping instead of that there $100,000 the two asked for. Because Mr. Drysdale already gave them the money, he'll not be shot with rock salt and bacon rind. On this count at least.

4\. Jethro was shot fair and square in a feud done by the Code of the Hills. Plus Jethro's done recovered. But Ravensworth and the other Drysdale servants are right sorry about that anyway. Next time the Clampett clan has a wingding or shindig, they's gonna be right neighbourly and help out to make up for the trouble.

5\. Jed is gonna have the long talk with Jethro tonight. Granny will give Jed as much coffee as he needs. Black coffee because Jed's gonna be up for a long time.

* * *

Notes

(1) A similar "historical" introduction begins the "The War of the Roses", the third episode of the seventh season.

(2) "Elly's First Date"

(3) Elly May's cooking is so bad it is inedible - even for Jethro. In "The Boarder Stays", a third season episode, the Clampetts punish a "boarder" who leaves without paying for his room. So, in this case it's possible Jed Clampett might subject Mr. Drysdale to a punishment as cruel and unusual as forcing him to eat Elly May's cooking.

(4) "The Clampetts Meet Mrs. Drysdale".

(5) "The Hired Gun" sees Mr. Drysdale take out a photo of his crooked and usurious father. Apparently, the photo's haunted; Mr. Drysdale's fathers' likeness grins when Miss Hathaway insults him.

(6) During the interminable frogman episodes of the final season (i.e. Doctor, Cure My Frog), Granny makes several visits to Dr. Klingner, a psychiatrist in Mr. Drysdale's building.


	10. The Treaty and What Came of It

**Chapter 10 ****The Treaty and What Came of It**

In the years afterwards, Cousin Pearl would sometime reflect "How is it that things after stay'n the same for so long - too long - can change so fast and so much is more'n I can tell!"

The answer she would get was dependent on who was around to hear her.

"Imagine that" her daughter Jethrine would say, and giggle.

"Go figure" would said her son-in-law Jazbo Depew.

"I don't know Ma" was what Jethro would say, which was, at least, truthful.

"Matters can only stay in a state of stasis for so long" would observe Jane. Her reply sounded intelligent, but didn't really explain matters to Pearl's satisfaction.

"They sure did change" was Elly May's favourite reply, which was also intelligent, so far as it went.

"I don't want to talk about it" was the response of Mr. and Mrs. Drysdale, should they be around. Perfectly understandable, considering.

Granny would subscribe it to the work of divine providence. "Mark you Pearl, when He decides things are to change, they are a gonna change."

Jed was of like mind. "I just think that we should be thankful that they did, and all our miseries for ten years were washed away with that there rain."

For those few days were well remembered in Southern California for the steady beat of rain. The rain that formed an accompaniment to Mr. Drysdale's long drive to San Diego, Jed's long talk with Jethro, the first part of Mrs. Drysdale and Sonny flight for England, and Ravensworth's cooking lesson with Granny . . . .

First things first, and the first paragraph of the treaty obliged Mr. Drysdale in mending what he first broke . . . .

1\. Mr. Drysdale has to go right away to get navy man Mark Templeton and reunite him with Elly May, hoping that he'll propose and them two'll get hitched, which is only the logical, true and rightful outcome. Elly May'll make Mr. Drysdale a cake, and Mr. Drysdale's gonna eat every last crumb. Else Mr. Drysdale'll will be shot with rock and bacon rind.

It was evening by the time Mr. Drysdale reached San Diego, and still pouring rain even there. Mr. Drysdale was not alone, Cousin Pearl had accompanied him.

Pearl hadn't been obliged too, but she decided as ornery as he had been, Mr. Drysdale just couldn't be trusted. And Pearl was the only one available to keep an eye on him. Granny was very busy at the mansion, Jane was getting the works at the beauty salon, and Elly was busy with her cake. Jed, of course, was pondering how exactly to fulfill the herculean task assigned him under paragraph five.

Pearl was not only dutiful to her kinfolk, but very curious as well. She wanted to see Elly's potential groom as soon as possible. Much more importantly, she wanted to see the showdown between Lt. Mark Templeton and Mr. Drysdale. Granny had suspected that, in fact, was Pearl's true motive. However, the fact Pearl promised a full report brought Granny's complete cooperation.

When Mr. Drysdale finally reached the frogman's building in San Diego, Pearl was somewhat impressed. Pearl noted the frogman's blue convertible, which had already been described to her. "There's one sailor at least who can handle money".

She accompanied Mr. Drysdale to the third floor of the well maintained walk-up, where Mr. Drysdale's enquiries had told him was the lieutenant's home.

Upon Mr. Drysdale's giving a very shaky knock, there was a sudden noise as of bottles being stuffed away. "Come on in" said the frogman.

Cousin Pearl literally pushed Mr. Drysdale into the room.

The frogman was taller than Jed and Jethro,. However, Pearl noticed how the young man now looked the worse for wear, having bags under his bloodshot eyes and smelling badly of corn whisky.

"Mark Templeton" started Mr. Drysdale, in a shaky speech he had been preparing the entire day. "Have I got news for you!"

"Drysdale!" said the frogman, whose face contorted into a snarl. "I've got something for you!"

With a swift movement, the frogman crossed the room in a couple steps and gave Mr. Drysdale a powerful punch that impacted with a sickening thud. The banker was left lying unconscious on the floor.

"You can't fight an old city feller like that" lectured Cousin Pearl, fearful in spite of herself. "You being a hill man born'n bred you ought to know better! He's half your size. Shame on you too, your brother being a preacher'n all!"

"You know what this old city feller did to me!" said the frogman angrily, without stopping to wonder who, in fact, Pearl was to know that much about him.

"What . . . I'm a reasonably certain?" asked Pearl

"I was . . . in love with this girl back from the hills" said the frogman reluctantly. "I was . . . a gonna . . . I was this close to asking her to marry me. Problem was, I thought it was a great idea to support oceanography research."

There were, in fact, books about aquiculture, oceanography, and commercial aspects of ocean research lying about.

"And that there girl's father didn't like the idea?" asked Pearl, although in fact she knew the answer.

"No. He was all a for it" spat out the frogman, whose accent became broader the more excited he grew. "He wanted to create a fund to research ocean life. On his own . . . on his own! But Drysdale couldn't stand to have the money taken out of his bank. So Drysdale made me out to be some sort of coward, 'cause I didn't go fishing for grunions or something like that."

"He told the Clampetts the grunion invasion weren't so much bite sized fish but an invading army for the Isle of Grun or some such foolishness" said Cousin Pearl. (1)

"So that's why the family don't want anything more to do with me!" said the frogman with growing awareness. "Well, I ought to, well find myself a way back in. Though how I'm a gonna do it . . . ."

"Most of your works already been done" said Pearl.

Pearl then explained the present situation for the benefit of the frogman.

"So you're Jethro's mother?" he said. "I'm sorry to hear a nice woman like you has a . . . . YOW."

Pearl had given him a strong kick in the shins.

"I guess I deserved that" said the frogman ruefully. "But let me tell you this, Mrs. Bodine. I put a great store in my work, in aquiculture, in marine biology, in my career in general.

"In the navy all this time and still a lieutenant?" scoffed Pearl, still annoyed at the knock against her son. "Isn't that just about the lowest rank of officer?"

"You know I didn't start as an officer?" replied the frogman. "I was drafted, placed in the navy having never seen so much a ship in my life. But I had some book learnin', though not much of it formal, and made my way up. Finally, I got into officer training school, got made an ensign, then went up to lieutenant. But you know, all that means nothing to me. Not the navy, not marine biology. Not nothing. I've tried to put myself back on track these last six months, but I can't stop thinking of Elly May. The only thing that keeps me going is this weak-sauce California whisky. I mean, look, if it would get Elly back to me, I'd help her live her dream. I'd sell everything, I'd go back to the hills, take up a few acres of stony land, raise a cabin and have nine or ten young'uns."

"Don't tell this to me!" Pearl exclaimed. "Tell it to Elly! The sooner we get back to Beverly Hills the better!"

Pearl and the frogman revived Mr. Drysdale. This wasn't easy, as Drysdale fainted thrice more before they could wake him up for good. With the frogman's promise that he wouldn't lay another hand on Drysdale, the three sped back to Beverly Hills and the Clampett Mansion.

While Mr. Drysdale and Pearl were attending to Paragraph 1, Granny was busying herself in eager anticipation of the fourth term of the treaty:

4\. Jethro was shot fair and square in a feud done by the Code of the Hills. Plus Jethro's done recovered. But Ravensworth and the other Drysdale servants are right sorry about that anyway. Next time the Clampett clan has a wingding or shindig, they's gonna be right neighbourly and help out to make up for the trouble.

What this meant was that Granny again did the finishing touches to Elly's wedding dress, more sure than ever that _now was the time_. She checked up on Jethro, who was still resting peacefully in a drunken stupor. Then she thought it would be best to instruct the Drysdale servants on the ins and outs of hill cooking. A quick call on the newly repaired phone lines, and within twenty minutes a shaky and wet Ravensworth was attending Granny in the Clampett kitchen.

Now, Ravensworth had once been deathly terrified of the Clampetts. His views on the Clampetts later moderated, considering them to be merely "simple rustic people". (2) The late feud, however, had brought back his old fears. So he was attendant upon Granny with the discipline that came of the terror of death should he err in the slightest way.

"Now" lectured Granny, "if you Beverly Hills servants wanna help with a shindig, we's gonna want some good mountain cooking. And this is the best time to learn! Before Pearl's gonna want to interfere in my kitchen again and before there's a too much a do to teach you!"

"Yes, Granny" said Ravensworth obediently. "And I suppose Elly will help me show you!"

"Bless the girl" said Granny reverently, "But, truth be told, she can't cook worth shucks. You, on the other hand, I hear, is the best next to that there cook of your'n, and being the butler, is head man and gonna pass on my secrets to the rest."

"Only if you so please" said Ravensworth.

"I so please" replied Granny laconically.

"May I write down your recipes?" asked Ravensworth.

"Bah!" said Granny, in a tone that made Ravensworth shudder like a leaf. "True cooking is best if it's written down here" she added, tapping her heart. "But I guess it won't hurt to have some of my secrets written down or passed along to Beverly Hills folks. From what I can tell you don't eat well here never. But you've got to promise me one thing!"

"As you wish, Granny!" said Ravenworth nervously.

"You or noone you pass my recipe too will never, ever take my recipe and enter the Bugtussel, Oxford or Silver Dollar City fair with'm".

"I promise" said Ravensworth sincerely.

"Then we can go ahead" said Granny.

Ravensworth proved to be a good student, beyond all expectation. Not only were his attempts at Granny's recipes edible, but passable as well according to Granny. However, Granny was of the opinion that they lacked a certain taste that only a love for her cooking could provide.

Ravensworth, however, proved to be helpful in another way. Whether it was out of simple kindness or just loyalty to Mr. Drysdale, he gave Elly May some tips on her baking. So, it turned out that the resultant cake was, at least, edible. Granny was so happy at having another of her problems so unexpectedly resolved, she dismissed Ravensworth telling him that as far as _he went_, all was forgiven. The feud was fought by the Code of the Hills after all, and Jethro had recovered. (3)

On his hasty way home, Ravensworth gave a nervous greeting as he passed Jed. Jed was sitting on a chair in the foyer, whittling.

"I'm a working hard to get everything ready for your daughter's wedding" said Granny, once she had finally left the kitchen. "And you're just sitting whittling leaving these wood shavings all over the floor."

"I'll clean it up" Jed replied.

"Why don't you at least do your whittling outside!" said Granny.

A sudden thunderclap was her answer.

"Alright" said Granny glumly. "But why not wait for clear weather to go about your whittling!"

"Whittling is how I do my serious thinking" Jed replied. "And there's plenty of planning to do in figuring out how exactly I'm gonna reason with that boy. There's a lot reasoning to do, and his is a head not fitted out for reason'in."

"That's the truth" Granny agreed, grabbing a broom. "I'll go and clean up, Jed. You just go about your whittling. Men can't sweep worth nothing nohow anyways."

Notes

(1) "The Great Revelation", "The Grunion Invasion".

(2) Ravensworth is deathly terrified, with some good reason, in "The Servants". By the fourth season's "Mrs. Drysdale's Father", however, he describes them as merely simple, peaceful country people.

(3) After the feud ends in the "War of the Roses", Granny becomes fast friends with her erstwhile enemy Colonel Warburton. So, it's not out the question that she'd soon forgive once the feud was properly over.


	11. Paragraphs 1, 2, & 3

**Chapter 11** **Paragraphs One, Two and Three**

Paragraph One of the Treaty of Beverly Hills read as follows:

1\. Mr. Drysdale has to go right away to get navy man Mark Templeton and reunite him with Elly May, hoping that he'll propose and them two'll get hitched, which is only the logical, true and rightful outcome. Elly May'll make Mr. Drysdale a cake, and Mr. Drysdale's gonna eat every last crumb. Else Mr. Drysdale'll will be shot with rock and bacon rind.

* * *

By the time Mr. Drysdale, Cousin Pearl and the frogman had returned to the mansion, it was nearly midnight. Jed has long gone upstairs with his pot of strong, black coffee and began the unpleasant talk he had been putting off for so long. Granny, who usually went to bed by sundown, was rocking in the kitchen, blinking away her sleepiness. Elly May was waiting in the fancy courtin' parlour, though during her wait she had found plenty to do looking after and playing with her critters.

"Anyone . . . home?" asked Mr. Drysdale, in a voice filled with as much trepidation as if the Clampett Mansion had been haunted by ghosts or goblins.

He had wanted to stay in the car, but neither Pearl nor the frogman would let him off so easily.

"Drysdale!" said Granny, rushing out to the foyer.

"Well!" asked Granny, giving Mr. Drysdale a withering look.

"It took some work, but I got him" Mr. Drysdale lied.

"Pearl got me" corrected the frogman, coming in with Cousin Pearl.

"It was nothing, really" said Pearl.

"From the looks of his eye" Granny observed shrewdly, "seems as if you, frogman, got him!"

It was very true, Mr. Drysdale's eye was nightmarish kaleidoscope of black, blue and purple.

"Well, Mr. Drysdale, come to the kitchen and Granny'll get you're a nice possum steak for that eye. As for you, Elly's a'waitin in the fancy courting parlour."

* * *

So Drysdale was led away, while the frogman went to greet Elly. Pearl, for her part, made a round of the house, all the better to eavesdrop outside the other door to the parlour. Granny, after putting a frozen possum steak on Mr. Drysdale's eye, did likewise.

"You snooper" whispered Pearl, as Granny joined her at the door.

"Hush" whispered Granny in turn. "You want to let them onto our spying and ruin everything!"

The frogman and Elly had greeted each other warmly, and with mutual apologies.

"I can't tell you how mad I've been at myself that I've never tried calling back" said the frogman.

"And I can't tell you how sorry I am for calling you over the telephone that you were a rotten coward letting Mr. Drysdale do the fightin' you were too chicken to do" said Elly. "I mean, I'm sorry for saying it period, 'cause it weren't true."

When they sat down at the sofa, Elly observed "You sure smell nice, but you don't look none too well."

"It's, well, mints" said the frogman, who had chewed several in an attempt to hide the smell of whisky. "I . . . well, I've always been told to be truthful, Elly. I didn't do so well knowing I wasn't ever going to see you again. I've been underwater planting explosives, dodging jellyfish and great white sharks . . . .

Elly May whistled. "They must be some big critters . . . ."

"Big" said the frogman. "Mean and ornery, with a mouthful of sharp teeth"

"You think you could get one of them critters as a pet?" asked Elly.

"If anyone can" said the frogman, "it's you!"

"Why, thank you Mark" said Elly, looking at far more lovingly than her remark would have suggested.

"I don't know if this is right, it's been a long time since I lived in the hills and I've forgotten most of the code" the frogman admitted, "But . . . ."

With that, he leaned over and kissed Elly. It lasted awhile. So much so, that Pearl and Granny were straining their ears trying to hear what was going on.

"Well, Elly, I can't bear the idea of going through life without you" the frogman said finally. "Nothing seems worthwhile when I'm alone. No matter where I go, what I do, I want to do it with you. If you want to go and live on a farm in the hills, say the word, I'll follow you."

"I want to be with you, Mark" said Elly fondly. "And I want you to do the things you love right here!"

"And I want you to be with me" said the frogman.

He kneeled, took a ring out of his pocket, and asked _the _question.

"Elly" said the frogman. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes" said Pearl and Granny together.

"What the . . . ."said the frogman, looking away.

"Oh, yes, Mark." said Elly, grabbing the ring and putting it on her finger. "It sure is a nice one. I'd love to be your wife."

With that she hugged him and they kissed again. And the frogman forgot all about the late interruption from two very happy eavesdroppers.

* * *

Once Mr. Drysdale had rested awhile with the steak upon his eye, given his hearty congratulations to the newly engaged couple, _and_ had Elly's cake and ate it too, he was off to his office building in the wee hours of the morning. It was time for Mr. Drysdale to follow through with paragraph two of the Treaty of the Fancy Eatin' Table:

2\. After Mr. Drysdale's gone and gotten the frogman back to Elly, he's gonna go to Dr. Klinger who'll fix his head. And his stomach, if eating the whole cake disagrees with him too bad. Else Mr. Drysdale'll will be shot with rock salt and bacon rind.

* * *

Miss Hathaway was waiting outside of Dr. Klinger's office. "The Works" at the beauty parlour may have undone some years of wear and tear, but Jane was still as plain as her name.

"I thought the beauty salon would have kept you at least a month" said Mr. Drysdale cruelly. "I at least thought they wouldn't give up until sometime after Mr. Clampett finished his long, long, long, long, long talk with Jethro. But I guess they know a hopeless case when they see it!"

"Insults will do you no avail, chief" said Miss Hathaway stoically. "I am here to see that you see the doctor as promises, without petty haggling or objection to his fees or course of treatment. The doctor has been kind enough to devote this entire night toward the treatment of your psychological malady. He is also devoting much of tomorrow's day off in putting forward a good start that will serve to help restore your peace of mind, sanity, and perspective."

"What a sickening thought!" scoffed Mr. Drysdale.

"Hello, Milburn" said Dr. Klinger, who appeared on the scene so suddenly Mr. Drysdale jumped. "We've got hours of work to do. Miss Hathaway has already familiarized me with some aspects of your case. However, I think we can make great progress tonight . . . if you're willing."

"If I'm willing . . ." started Mr. Drysdale furiously.

"No doubt Granny, that is to say Daisy Moses (1), can answer that question!" Miss Hathaway said slyly.

"I'm willing" concluded Mr. Drysdale, dejectedly.

"Well, come in, have some coffee, and we'll see what we can do" said Dr. Klinger.

* * *

Years later, Dr. Klinger would write a celebrated article for the Journal of the Psychiatry. The article would relate for the academic world his treatment of a banker who suffered "advanced malevolent and megalomaniacal tendencies, transformed into a form of severe pseudo-psychopathy, which may or may not have had a partial hereditary origin aggravated by acute and unique stresses".

That banker was, of course, Mr. Drysdale. As the course of his treatment over the eventful morning is described elsewhere, it only necessary to give the most basic account of Dr. Klinger's course of treatment. It started with hypnosis, to delve into the stresses of Mr. Drysdale's inner psyche and his relationship with his baleful father. Klinger then proceeded with an unorthodox method of what the good doctor called "compressed psychoanalysis". In hours instead of months, Klinger picked Drysdale's mind clean. It ended with an hour or two of what was more or the less a lecture by Klinger.

It was in the nature of a "patch and plaster" job, at least according to Klinger. Drysdale would proceed with years of psychiatry to permanently render the damage. Moreover, he's be on a heavy tranquillizer to calm his nerves. However, of all this Miss Hathaway was ignorant when she saw a worn, browbeaten Mr. Drysdale finally return to his office at about 4:00 that afternoon.

"Chief" she said, with some trepidation. "How did it go?"

"Let me sit down first" said Mr. Drysdale wearily, "and make sure that door is closed behind you."

Miss Hathaway did as she was told.

"Miss Hathaway, I can't believe how wrong I've been for so many years" Mr. Drysdale admitted.

"Oh chief!" said Miss Hathaway happily. "You don't know how happy . . . ."

"Save it for Jethro" said Mr. Drysdale sternly, waving her quiet. "And I honestly hope you have a chance to tell it to him. FIRST, MISS HATHAWAY hear me out. You're really the only one who's known me well enough to understand what's gone on up there. Margaret too, but you know how she is! Anyway, she'll be happier if I never bring it up with her!"

"Yes, chief" said Miss Hathaway.

"I used to treat you as not only as an employee, but a confidant as well" Mr. Drysdale acknowledged. "Of course, this broke up as I became more obsessed with money, greed, and forgetting all else. Somewhere, I lost my perspective. Maybe it was the stress of keeping the Clampett account. Maybe it was the poor example set by my father, may he rest in peace."

"I think it's unlikely _he's_ resting" Miss Hathaway said to herself while looking at the photo Mr. Drysdale had again hung in his office. The portrait of the elder Drysdale was at it again, Miss Hathaway realized. The long dead man's usual scowl had been replaced by a look of demonic fury.

"This bank is a first class institution" Mr. Drysdale continued. "Not the office of a two-bit loan shark. Why should I terrorize the staff? Why should I take delight in foreclosures and the bankruptcy of my clients? I make more money when they're doing well!"

"Oh, chief!" said Miss Hathaway, happily.

"I've forgotten that" Mr. Drysdale continued. "Somehow I began to want to grab all I could, pinch every penny, and I've been bringing myself down low. If I had continued, I would have brought the bank down with me!"

"You may well have done so" said Miss Hathaway.

"Think of all the ridiculous things I've been doing over the years" Mr. Drysdale said. "Not just to keep the Clampett account but in general. Remember the time I dressed up as an Indian to try to convince an Indian chief . . . an Oxford educated Indian chief . . . to give up his tribe's claim to part . . . just part . . . of the Clampett oil royalties? (2) Or when I suggested Elly May marry that oil sheik? (3) Or when I so afraid of losing even a fraction of the Clampett fortune that I set Jethro up in business with a worthless broken down diner?" (4)

"I remember well" said Miss Hathaway. "That and many other things."

"Well, never mind them!" said Mr. Drysdale. "But remember how we tried to keep the Clampett account by making the Clampetts happy in Beverly Hills? How I didn't mind when they went to pay a visit home, so long as they were happy . . . and coming back? Remember that first Christmas they went home, and I hardly flinched?" (5)

"And how, in later years" Miss Hathaway remarked, "You set up a fake snowstorm and dressed as a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman in an effort to force them to stay." (6)

"Again, that's enough of that!" Mr. Drysdale said sternly.

"Right, chief" said Miss Hathaway.

"_As I was saying_" said Mr. Drysdale, with some emphasis. "It's back to the old ways, and the old designs. We're rolling back the clock, and pretend the management program I adopted never existed. The commerce bank is a first class institution that gives its employees a standard salary and standard benefits. As it was ten years ago. We treat both our depositors and borrowers with respect, and standard business practices. If I now lose the Clampett account, it will be a blow . . . and what a blow! But it's one we can easily survive.

"Of course" said Miss Hathaway.

Mr. Drysdale took out a large bottle from his pocket, with what looked like horse tranquillizers inside.

"What are those?" asked Miss Hathaway.

"Nerve medicine" Mr. Drysdale responded. "Industrial strength. Whenever I feel frustrated or nervous thinking about money I'm to take them until my, er, health stabilises."

With that, Mr. Drysdale opened the bottle and took out two of the gigantic pills. He swallowed them in one gulp.

"I'm getting along in years, Miss Hathaway" said Mr. Drysdale, now somewhat more sedately. "It's just as well that gold-brick Sonny is marrying that impoverished Charity what's her name. I'm happy for them."

"Chief!" said Miss Hathaway, now shocked.

"No, really" said Mr. Drysdale. "Many when some more years go by I'll just retire to my blue blooded wife - who I really do love - and my spoiled rotten son. I'll just sit by the fire being waited on hand-and-foot in that tumbledown English manor house that I'm paying to fix up. My investments will keep the money coming in."

"You can't be serious!" said Miss Hathaway.

"There are other people who can serve as bank president" said Mr. Drysdale, now yawning. "So long as I leave the bank on a good footing. And that's what I'm expecting from you!"

"You don't expect me to be bank president?" asked Miss Hathaway, blushing with pride. "I'm not qualified!"

"Of course you're not" said Mr. Drysdale, much to Miss Hathaway's chagrin. "You're an executive secretary, not an executive. But if and when you leave to marry Jethro, I expect you to leave things shipshape."

"Aye, aye' said Miss Hathaway sarcastically.

"It'll be the Commerce Bank's misfortune to lose you" said Mr. Drysdale, again yawning and now closing his eyes. "You do the work of three secretaries, Miss Hathaway."

"I don't know how long I've been waiting for you to say that" said Miss Hathaway, tears now glistening in her eyes.

"If you marry Jethro, expect a wedding present but not a bonus" Mr. Drysdale continued drowsily. "You won't be needing one of course. Let's see, one quarter of a hundred million, is it?

"Oh, of course I won't" wept Miss Hathaway. "I'm just glad to see that you are your old self. Virtue has been restored. The miserly, crooked Drysdale is gone! The sensible banker I went to work for so many years ago has now returned!"

"Misery and crooked" muttered Mr. Drysdale. "Oh, that reminds me, Miss Hathaway!"

"Yes chief"

"You can put that picture away, for now, Miss Hathaway" said Mr. Drysdale, opening one eye to give a half a glance at the photo of his father . . . who looked now looked half-crazed with fury.

"Will do, chief" sobbed Miss Hathaway.

When Miss Hathaway went and took the malevolent portrait from the wall, she was almost certain it bit her hand. It was then no surprise that she was quick in tossing it into Mr. Drysdale's closet.

"I think I'll hang Dad's picture in the guest bedroom at home" Mr. Drysdale muttered. "It's a respectful place to put it . . . and I'll never have to look at it again."

With that, he fell asleep. Miss Hathaway tiptoed out, closing the door behind her.

* * *

In the meantime, Sonny and Mrs. Drysdale had escaped Beverly Hills and boarded a redeye flight from sunny California to jolly, and rainy, old England. They slept most of the way, Sonny from the fatigue and excitement of the late feud, Mrs. Drysdale from the aftereffects of Granny's moonshine.

However, a few days recuperation later (in the most overpriced hotel room that they could find on such short notice), Sonny and Mrs. Drysdale rode comfortably in a rented car to the seat of Sir Wastrel Mendicant, Baronet, of Mendicant Hall. It was there they'd fulfill the third paragraph of the treaty:

3\. Sonny Drysdale will be hitched to Miss Charity Mendicant, daughter of Sir Wastrel Mendicant, Baronet, of Mendicant Hall. Mr. Drysdale's gonna give them 1 million dollars to set up housekeeping instead of that there $100,000 the two asked for. Because Mr. Drysdale already gave them the money, he'll not be shot with rock salt and bacon rind. On this count at least.

Mr. Drysdale's cheque in dollars had duly been exchanged for Pounds and deposited in a British bank. Sir Mendicant was advised of the Drysdale's arrival, and the fact that the money - and his future son-in-law - was on the way.

* * *

A good thing too. In the most desolate and isolated spot on the moors of Devonshire, stood Mendicant Stage, a hamlet of three houses and a combination post office and store. On a hill above that forlorn little place, stood Mendicant Hall, guarded by a tumbledown stone wall, a dilapidated lodge and gate, and an array of sparse trees. As for the hall itself, it was a fine building dating back to the Jacobean period. It consisted of a fine building of dark stone, mullioned windows and what used to be a fine slate roof. The roof had many gaps in it, but only about half the windows were boarded up.

The family's quarters were on the ground floor. So were those of the servants, Graves the butler, and Mrs. Graves the cook. The flooring on the two upper levels had become so rotten that nobody had so much as dared venture upstairs for decades.

Here, Sir Wastrel was sitting before the cozy fire Mr. Drysdale had so recently been dreaming of, in the palatial library. Sir Wastrel was as spare a man as you'd expect to live in that ruin. He was alone with his thoughts as he sat listening to the wood fire and the drip of the rain as it poured outside and drizzled inside the room, coming down from the mouldy plastered ceiling and forming many puddles along the floor.

This was amongst the driest and best kept rooms in the house.

"Papa" said his daughter, bouncing into the library. She was a girl of thirty, whose nutritional intake had not been affected by the baronet's relative poverty. "I count it as only a matter of thirty minutes before my beau comes with his beautiful cheque!"

"Don't overdo it, Charity my dear" said Sir Wastrel. "We are so close, this L 50 000 those Boston bourgeoisie are providing us will make this old place habitable. Likewise the income your mother-in-law's banker husband will no doubt give us. If you are sure that you can stand that man . . . and realize that the reason they're marrying you is so their future progeny will bear our title . . . well, then I am all for it."

"Oh, papa" smiled Charity. "Of course I know. But Sonny's such a precious riot. You know he hates money, because it make the rich the equal of us? (7) Oh, how I do know that feeling! Such snobbery from an American! Puritan stock, you know, Mayflower and all that! (8) He'll fit in just fine up here as the local hotshot. Besides, I'm not getting younger or thinner."

"Ugh" said Sir Wastrel. "I had forgotten. Puritans. Oh, well, so be it!"

* * *

Sonny and Mrs. Drysdale arrived to all the ceremony that could be produced in a leaky, half ruined building in the pouring rain. They were received in a drafty parlour. This room, with its faded wallpaper and smell of mould, had been outfitted with ceremonial buckets to collect the rainwater, as befitted the importance and dignity of the occasion.

Also worth noting is the fact the fireplace smoked, which gave everything the aura of ashes and suggested the absolute mildest threat of asphyxiation.

Sonny, before his mother, Sir Wastrel, Graves and Mrs. Graves, proposed to Charity on bended knee.

"Will you . . . (cough) . . . (cough) . . . marry me" said Sonny, simply.

"Oh, how beautiful!" said Mrs. Drysdale.

Graves, who was even older and thinner than Sir Wastrel, cleared his throat.

"I believe it's (cough) customary for the young lady to answer" Graves said.

"It's first customary for you to formally (cough) ask (cough) papa for my hand" Charity said.

"Of course" said Mrs. Drysdale. "Ask Sir Wastrel for Charity's (cough) hand, Sonny."

"Will you do (cough) Charity the pleasure of letting her (cough) have my hand?" asked Sonny.

"Yes, just (cough) get on with it before I (cough) choke" said Sir Wastrel.

Sonny again turned to Charity and asked the question.

"Yes, I (cough) do" said Charity.

She took the engagement ring, and gazed at it carefully with a jeweller's glass.

"Oh, I love (cough) you Sonny" she said, springing into his arms and knocking him over.

"The matter (cough) of the cheque?" interrupted Sir Wastrel.

"Oh, (cough) yes" said Mrs. Drysdale. "I have it right here!"

"Thank you" said Sir Wastrel, grabbing the cheque. "This will set us (COUGH) up in COUGH-fort."

"And provide me with seventeen years back wages" observed Graves laconically.

"Now, shall we (cough) repair to the library for the meal we've had prepared" suggested Sir Wastrel.

"The dining (cough) room ceiling fell in ten (cough) years ago" Charity explained.

"Yes" said Mrs. Drysdale, "Let's (cough) do!"

"Before we all COUGH to death" said Sir Wastrel, as Mrs. Graves extinguished the fire and the party hurriedly left the room.

* * *

"Sonny is lucky to be marrying into a very old, and _titled_, family" stated Sir Wastrel some time later, after the meal had been finished.

"Charity's lucky to be marrying me" said Sonny. "Aren't you, darling!"

"Oh, yes" said Charity, giggling and giving a wink to her father. "You are quite a card!"

"As a matter of fact" bragged Sonny, "I had been dating the daughter of the Earl of Clampett not so long ago!"

"Oh, no" wailed Mrs. Drysdale. "Don't mention it, please!"

"Oh, I've heard the new earl is quite the eccentric" said Charity with glee. "He lives in at his Beverly Hills estate, doesn't he?"

"Yes" said Sonny. "Next door to us, of course. Ours is the most exclusive neighbourhood in Beverly Hills."

"And what of this daughter of his?" asked Sir Wastrel.

"Heartbroken, naturally, when she discovered I had chosen Charity" lied Sonny. "She's marrying some simple naval officer on the rebound."

"Marrying" observed Sir Wastrel slyly. "That reminds me, it will take sometime for the, er, some, er, _minor_, repairs to be completed on my house."

Somewhere, a distance off, came the sound of falling masonry.

"That would be one of the old chimneys, sir' said Graves, entering the room. "It was threatening to go these past six years, and now . . . it's gone."

"Thank you, Graves" said Sir Wastrel awkwardly. "Well, er, back to the wedding! So . . . let us break with tradition and repair to your manor in Beverly Hills for the wedding party" suggested Sir Wastrel.

"Oh, papa, let's do!" said Charity. "I say, maybe we can crash the party and make it a double wedding alongside the earl's daughter. Graves, get the overseas operator to put us through!"

"You don't want to do that!" said Sonny.

"Oh, no!" Mrs. Drysdale replied.

"Nonsense" said Sir Wastrel, who now also looked upon the two with amusement. "You're not trying to deceive me?"

"Of course . . . not" said Mrs. Drysdale.

There was a tense silence as Graves made the connection, and passed the phone to Sir Wastrel.

"A woman named Granny, sir. Appears to be a rural type!"

* * *

**Notes**

(1) Granny's actual name. While her last name is introduced in "The Great Feud", I can't recall the episode where her given name is first provided.

(2) Season 5's "The Indians Are Coming"

(3) Season 4's "The Sheikh"

(4) Season 6's "The Diner"

(5) Season 1's "Home for Christmas".

(6) Season 6's "The Great Snow".

(7) Sonny Drysdale tells this to the appalled Mr. Drysdale in Season 1's "Elly's First Date".

(8) One of Mrs. Drysdale's points of pride is the fact her family arrived in America on the Mayflower ("The Family Tree").

*Four chapters to go and the story will be complete.


	12. The Long, Long, Long, Long Talk

**Chapter 12** **The Long, Long, Long, Long Talk**

The night the frogman proposed to Elly May, the night Dr. Klinger had his own talk with Mr. Drysdale, Jed Clampett faced up to the task he'd been putting off for almost ten years. A job that was, in its way, harder than eating Elly May's cooking:

5\. Jed is gonna have the long talk with Jethro tonight. Granny will give Jed as much coffee as he needs. Black coffee because Jed's gonna be up for a long time.

There was a time when Jed respected Jethro for having obtained a sixth grade education. This was something Jed, living deeper in the hills that his relatively citified Cousin Pearl, never had. Jed had learned to read and write informally. However, that education, while teaching Jethro how to figure, hadn't given him any common sense. Living in Beverly Hills inflated his ego, making him impossible to be around. From what Jed could see of the Beverly Hills folks, Jethro's attempts at being a "playboy" or "sophisticated" were a failure and the boy had been repeatedly been making a clown of himself. (1)

"Ain't that the truth" said Granny, when Jed confided his feelings to her. "You're gonna have a time trying to cram some common sense into that boy's numbskull head!"

"I don't want to be too tough on the boy" Jed replied.

"You may have too" Granny observed. "He's got his head swelled up like a balloon. Full of the same thing too, no sense but hot hair."

"Granny" admonished Jed.

"It's not spite that makes me say it, Jed" Granny said. "It's the truth. The sooner you prick that balloon the happier and better the boy'll be!"

"If only I didn't have to do it tonight" Jed said, taking even more of a disliking to the duty he had to perform. "What, will Elly likely to be proposed to and all . . . ."

"No more putting it off, Jed" said Granny sternly. "It's been nigh upon ten years! _You said tonight!_ There'll be plenty of time for Mark to get your official say-so . . . and for a wingding or shindig to celebrate the engagement . . . and a bigger one at the wedding. You leave Elly's matchmaking to me, while I'll go and leave Jethro to you."

""I don't want you interfering too much!" Jed responded.

"I promise you that as soon as Mark arrives" said Granny, "I'll leave him to court Elly in the fancy courting parlour."

Granny, of course, didn't promise not to eavesdrop. Jed, preoccupied with his own troubles, didn't remember to ask.

"Oh, Jed' said Granny, as Jed went up the stairs to face Jethro. "Don't forget your coffee!"

"Thanks Granny" said Jed. "I reckon I'm going to be at it a long, long, long, long time!"

* * *

Jethro was just waking up when Jed arrived in the boy's room. Jethro's homespun and rough-hewed personal possessions contrasted sharply with the luxury of the furnishings around him.

"How are you feeling, boy?" asked Jed.

"Sick, Uncle Jed" said Jethro. "Who do them Drysdales think they are, shooting an international jet-setting playboy sophisticate genius like myself!"

Jed looked heavenward in despair.

"I suppose when I figure on the problems other folks face, I should be happy" said Jed. "And, you, Jethro, should be happy that you ain't been more serious hurt!"

"Just wait 'til everyone of my jet-setting friends hears of this!" said Jethro. "What do you think Princess Grace and Prince Reindeer over in Montenegro are gonna think about this!" (2)

"Let's never mind about them, for a minute" said Jed patiently. "I think, with you layed up here for a spell, now's the time for us to have that there talk I've been reckoning on having with you. What I'm a gonna do, Jethro, is tell you what my own Pa done told me about life. We's also gonna talk about things common sense wise. I figure you're about old enough to know, in fact I guess I waited too long and short of done right and sat down to have the talk with you long time ago."

"Uncle Jed" Jethro protested, "You've got to be kidding. I'm a city sophisticate. What can a hay shaker like you learn me about anything! Uh, no offense Uncle Jed!"

"Lord love you" Jed replied sadly, "but Granny was right! That balloon's gotta be popped! This is gonna hurt me, boy, far more than it's a gonna hurt you. But the truth's gotta be told!"

"What truth!" Jethro exclaimed.

"You ain't no genius, you ain't smart, you ain't hardly got the sense to come in from the rain" Jed told Jethro spiritedly, but with a heavy heart.

"You know what you're telling me!" said Jethro.

"I'm a saying it was a credit to your teachers that they managed to put six grades worth of schooling into that skull of yours" Jed retorted. "I've been a watching you since your Ma sent you to drive us out for Beverly Hills. You was always a short of common sense, but pride has made you worse and has gnawed up was used to be a good nature_. I'm a gonna set you right on that, and let you know some other things besides!_"

Jethro started to sputter something, but Jed was too quick. He grabbed Jethro's jaw with two fingers, and held it shut with an iron grip.

"Sorry, boy" said Jed forcefully. "But it's time you've learned what's what!'

Jethro was so shocked he gave no further objections.

Hour after hour after hour, Jed set out to disabuse Jethro of his fantasies. Uneducated though Jed was, he was sharp and had an excellent memory of his dopey nephew's many mistakes and failings. Jed might not have been street smart, but he was hill smart.

Where to begin? How Jethro cut down one of the Drysdale's pine trees, and gnawed the stump so they'd think a beaver did it? How Jethro launched himself strapped to a rocket, hoping to reach the moon, its green cheese and the moon maidens thereon? When Jethro put a car phone in the truck, attached by a long line to the telephone plug in the mansion? (3)

Those and many more. Hour after hour after hour. Explaining why these were all stupid notions, and not intelligent in the least. It took a while, but Jethro's pride escaped, as Granny predicted, like hot air from a burst balloon. The truth finally dawned upon him, and he felt very low indeed. Jed gave Jethro another glass of moonshine, managing to give both of them a respite.

* * *

Granny was waiting outside the door, stonefaced.

"You're sure giving it to him hard" she said. "But it's got to be done! Soon as he's slept off my rheumatism medicine, I want you to be back up here!"

"Will do" said Jed. "This might have been the hardest part of the talk."

"Now his awful bubble's burst" said Granny encouragingly, "He's a gonna listen close to the rest of what you've got to say!"

"It made me none too happy doing it!" said Jethro.

"Well, this will" said Granny, bursting into a smile. "Elly's engaged to frogboy . . . er . . . Lt. Mark Templeton, happy and of their own choice!"

"Well, doggies!" smiled Jed. "That is good news!"

Duly, Jed congratulated Elly and gave the frogman his formal permission and blessing. Then he made his excuses, and repaired to the kitchen to update Pearl and Granny on the status of the talk.

"You don't stop now, Jed" said Pearl, when she had heard Jed out. "Now that you've gone this far you've gotta finish."

"I don't aim to stop" said Jed.

"Best back to it" said Granny. "My medicine ought to be wearing off anytime now. I'll make you some more black coffee!"

* * *

For a second night and a second day, Jed gave Jethro his _long, long, long, long _talk. Things a young man his age ought to know, how someone his age just ought to act, things that somehow his age shouldn't do, and illusions that nobody of no age should hold.

By the start of the third night, Jed was hoarse and fit to burst from the gallons of coffee he drank. As for Jethro, he felt very low and very humbled indeed.

However, at long last the long postponed long talk came to its end.

"It ain't what you have" said Jed, in way of parting. "It's what you make out of what you've been given. Now, you ain't been given much in the way of gumption, but you've always been strong as a mule and willing to lend a hand to kith, kin or friend who's needed it. Now that you know better not to put on airs, maybe you'll be keen enough to dodge the worst of you're old shortcomings."

"Yes, Uncle Jed" said Jethro, in as miserable a monotone as can be imagined. "Thank you, Uncle Jed."

* * *

Jed went downstairs to the kitchen, to find Granny, Pearl and Miss Hathaway waiting for him at the table.

"It's all over, Granny" said Jed hoarsely. "I've had the talk, and I've pounded as much sense into Jethro as I could. The boy knows he was wrong and he knows the right way ahead."

"Praise be" said Granny. "It was awfully tough medicine, but in the time ahead he'll be grateful for it."

"I suppose so" said Pearl, somewhat doubtfully. "His feelings must have been hurt awfully."

"How _is _he feeling?" asked Miss Hathaway.

"He's feeling lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut" said Jed solemnly.

"The wool's been pulled from his eyes" observed Pearl.

"And he don't like what he sees" finished Granny. "And _I _don't like what I hear, Jed. I'm gonna make you some dandelion tea with honey for that sore throat of yours."

After Jed drank his tea, he had some words for the women.

"Thank you, Granny" said Jed. "I'm off to bed. I'll just let you you, Pearl and Miss Jane work on your matchmaking. Mind, I don't usually like your style of pushy matchmaking Granny."

"Why, whatever do you mean?" Granny asked in a tone of affected innocence.

"You know what I mean" said Jed. "But I figure in this case it's best for all involved. Let's hope it takes."

After Jed retired, Granny and Pearl got to work.

"Now, Miss Jane" said Pearl "Jethro's feeling very low, but his mind is very clear. Now's your chance. You've got yourself gussied up, so go up there and get him."

"Wait, there's one more thing that'll get Jethro good!" said Granny. "Given the special occasion, I let Pearl give me a hand!"

The two women went to the oven and the stove top and retrieved a veritable feast.

"Bring Jethro all this and you've got it made!" said Granny.

* * *

Granny and Pearl helped carry the food upstairs, but it was Miss Hathaway alone who went into Jethro's room staggering under the weight of the heaping tray of mountain cooking.

"Jethro" said Miss Hathaway. "Look what I've gotten for you, dear boy! All your favourite foods!"

Jethro had been glumly staring into space, thinking. He turned to look at Miss Hathaway, placing a tray on the stand next to his bed. Possum shanks, hominy grits and sweet potato pie.

"Thanks, Miss Jane" said Jethro woefully. "But I ain't so hungry right now."

That statement physically staggered Miss Hathaway. It also staggered Granny and Pearl, who had taken up their accustomed positions eavesdropping outside the door.

"It's the talk that done it!" observed Granny.

"My poor baby!" lamented Pearl.

"Oh, he'll be alright" said Granny, shushing Pearl. "Let's listen."

"If that's truly the case" Miss Hathaway told Jethro, "then the infernal regions must certainly be experiencing a cold snap to equal the effects of the strongest Arctic vortex!"

"Huh?" said Jethro.

"Never mind' said Miss Hathaway, taking a chair and sitting beside Jethro's bed. "You're certainly not hurt."

"Not my arm" said Jethro. "If that's what you mean. But, inside-like. Jed's finally had his long talk with me. And you know what I found out? That all these years, these years I've been boasting that I have a giant brain, that I'm a Beverly Hills playboy?"

"What about them?" said Miss Hathaway, though she knew the answer.

"I ain't" said Jethro, in a voice so pained it touched her heart. "All this time I've been a big, dumb hick without a lick of sense. "Worse, I've been going around bragging about how smart I was, I sophisticated I were, when I ain't never been nothing of the sort!"

"It could be trying at times" said Miss Hathaway.

"I guess you were just being nice to me, not telling me off?" Jethro asked.

"We seldom like to hurt those of whom we are inordinately fond" replied Miss Hathaway softly.

"Those of whom . . . ." repeated Jethro. "I guess you mean people you like."

"Yes" said Miss Hathaway. "I do."

It was odd, but something inside her told Miss Hathaway to keep her answer atypically simple.

"I guess I've forgotten that" said Jethro, ruefully. "Going around calling everybody hayseeds. Taking airs. When a smart, sophisticated city women like you was being kind, helpful, friendly, nice . . . ."

Jethro stopped, and looked at Miss Hathaway. Here she was, nice, plain Miss Hathaway. Always friend to him and his kin, or so it seemed. To him, maybe, just maybe, she was something more. She always wanted to be something more. Nice, plain Miss Jane. A city women. A nice, sophisticated city woman, in love with him! Him, Jethro Bodine. A women who had always been keen on being at his side, helping him, ignoring years of his stupidities, just loving his company. Nice, plain Miss Hathaway, who he hadn't given a second look at all these long years.

Plain Miss Jane? Was she really all that plain? Suddenly, she looked far more attractive With her hair and gussied up, and that fancy dress she didn't look so bad. Almost like them flappers in the movies shown at the Oxford Theatre. Back where his mother used to play the piano back home. (4) And, then, like a lightning bolt, it hit him.

"_And _very beautiful" said Jethro in a suddenly very different tone.

"Oh, Jethro" said Miss Hathaway, all of a sudden giving a giddy laugh.

"Gosh" said Jethro, "I never realized lucky I was to have a girl like you so happy to be with be."

"Because I like you" said Miss Hathaway, again with unaccustomed simplicity. "A . . . a . . . . a good deal."

"Do you love me!" demanded Jethro excitedly.

"Well" said Miss Hathaway, demurring.

"Come on, Miss Jane!" asked Jethro. "Answer!"

"Well, yes" said Miss Hathaway. "For years!"

"And I love you!" said Jethro enthusiastically. "All these years I were too dumb to see it, but I love you Miss Hathaway!"

With that, and without thinking, he gave Miss Hathaway an energetic kiss. The kiss endured longer than either of them anticipated, and ended up being far more romantic than either would have ever expected.

"Miss Jane" said Jethro, leaving the bed and kneeling awkwardly.

"Just Jane" said Jane.

"Jane . . . it's simple, but beautiful . . . will you take this dumb old hick who's been blind all these long years . . . to be your lawful wedded husband!"

"Oh, I do" said Jane. "I do! You've made me the happiest girl in the world!"

They kissed again.

A few seconds later, Pearl and Granny barely avoided the indignity of falling through the suddenly opened door.

"Hot diggitty dog!" said Jethro, with Miss Jane in his arm. "Guess what Ma! Guess what Granny!"

"What?" the two of them said coyly.

"We's engaged!" announced Jethro, with gusto.

"And you have my blessings!" said Granny, wiping her eyes. "I'm so happy to see my baby married.

"You have my blessings!" said Pearl, forcefully. "Jethro's _my _baby after all!"

"Come on" said Jethro. "Let's celebrate!"

"Oh, lets' said Miss Hathaway, again with a giddy laugh. "What shall we do?"

"Well" said Jethro. "Let's start by eating all the vittles back in the room there!"

"The more things change, the more they stay the same" observed Granny laconically, as she followed the others inside.

* * *

Notes

(1) In the earlier seasons, Jed has high praise for Jethro's education. In later years, Jed's reaction to Jethro's behaviour says quite a lot about how Jed views Jethro's pretensions at being a genius and a sophisticated Hollywood playboy.

(2) In later years, Jethro threw out the claim he was an international jetsetter. He even brought up Princess Grace and Prince "Reindeer" (that is, Rainier) of Monaco.

(3) A few examples of Jethro in action through the course of the series.

(4) "Jed Rescues Pearl"

* Three more chapters. I decided to add an extra chapter.


	13. Make it a Triple

**Chapter 13 Make it a Triple**

Within a few days, everyone involved had agreed on a double wedding. As Jed put it:

"It don't make sense to fight over who gets married first. Thing is, Elly and Jethro's gonna have purt much the same guests coming from the clan. And we want a large shindig, so we're not gonna have to call everyone over to be here. The same goes for Mark's family too. And they's gonna have to put a considerable amount of time to come all over here. So we can't ask 'em over twice. So best to have it all done with once."

In her heart of hearts, Elly May wasn't keen on sharing her wedding with Jethro and Miss Hathaway. But what her father said was true, and Elly May wasn't spoiled. She agreed.

Lt. Mark Templeton personally thought a small ceremony would be best, the sooner the better. But the Code of the Hills ruled that the bride's family was in charge of wedding preparations. It would be a grave insult to turn down a large wedding party. Granny had finally stopped calling him frogboy - leastways to his face - so he figured it was best to let things lie.

Jethro, for his part, after his initial post-engagement enthusiasm, had been quieter, more obliging and fare more serious as of late. He was, in fact, doing his best to retain the painful lessons of Jed's long talk. Jethro didn't want to insult his cousin Elly, out of respect for her and the realization he was too old for childish arguments. Jethro ended up saying whatever was okay with Jane was alright with him.

As for Miss Hathaway, she had finally caught her man. She would have even agreed to being married by a sea captain on a whaler en route to Alaska.

So there it was, a double wedding.

* * *

It was shortly after the decision was made that Granny received a fateful call from Sir Wastrel Mendicant:

"I believe this is Granny" said Sir Wastrel, upon Graves handing him the receiver.

"I said it was" said Granny.

"I am Sir Wastrel Mendicant, Baronet, of Mendicant Hall, at Mendicant Stage, Devonshire" announced the Baronet from his damp, dank, mildewed library.

"That's a heap of name" observed Granny.

"I am connected to the Beverly Hills residence of the Earl of Clampett?" asked Sir Wastrel.

"The who?" asked Granny. "Oh . . . you mean Jed. Yes, that's him."

"I believe you're acquainted with Adonis Drysdale" said Sir Wastrel, who seemed amused as he said this. (1)

"Adonis!" asked Granny!"

"We know him as Sonny" said Sir Wastrel.

"Oh, that goomer" said Granny. "Yes."

"I am proud to announce that he and my daughter Charity are affianced!"

"And you couldn't have a nicer son-in-law!" said Granny, suddenly changing tack out of charity to Charity's father. "When he was visiting he couldn't let up on how beautiful your daughter was and how lucky a boy he was to marry her!"

"I thank you" said Sir Wastrel slyly. "I am glad there is no hard feelings after the breakup."

"Well, there was" admitted Granny. "But I figure Elly's just lucky to have cast him off and be marrying frogboy . . . er, her sailor beau!"

"Cast him off!" said Sir Wastrel. "I thought so!"

"Well" said Granny, trying to get herself out of the corner and save Charity's marriage. "I mean Elly knew that Sonny and Charity belonged together."

"Well, unless I wish to catch pneumonia I agree most heartily!" said Sir Mendicant.

"Huh?" asked Granny.

"Never you mind, my good lady" said Sir Mendicant. "I hope to meet you and your family when my daughter and I visit the Drysdale manor. You see, my daughter's going to marry Sonny in Mrs. Drydale's expertly tended California grounds."

"Why, we're gonna have a couple weddings here" said Granny, in the spirit of friendship. "Let's make the wedding a triple and invite you folks to the big shindig. Nothing to properly put a fued behind you but a wingding! This'll be one for the ages!"

"Oh, I agree perfectly" said Sir Wastrel, with such hints of suppressed laughter that Granny thought he had hit the jug. "Mrs. Drysdale's right here. Why don't you discuss wedding plans with Mrs. Drysdale!"

The good people of Mendicant Stage well remember a piercing and unearthly scream originating from the Hall that day. Sir Wastrel, his daughter Charity, Sonny, and the servants were almost deafened. So was Granny, on the other end of the phone line in California.

However, Mrs. Drysdale's objections notwithstanding, the stage was set. The wedding would be a triple. The Clampetts would be giving a big shindig, as big a wingding as was ever held in the hills of Beverly. (2)

* * *

Notes:

(1) Sonny Drysdale's actual name, as given in "Elly's First Date".

(2) Beverly Hills as described in the theme song.


	14. The Big Shindig

Chapter 14

The BIG SHINDIG

How can you combine a hillbilly wedding with a high society affair? That's the question that plagued Mr. Drysdale for one restless night. How to cater a wedding that would make his wife happy, his future-inlaws, and the Clampetts. At last he came up with the answer, swallowed a couple of his new tranquilizers, and fell into a deep sleep.

"One thing I've learned from all this" he told Miss Hathaway the following morning at the bank. "I'm through with these ridiculous stories I've been telling these last several years. Honesty is, as of now, the best policy!"

"Oh chief!" said Miss Hathaway admiringly. "How far you've come back! To tell the Clampetts the pure, unvarnished truth!"

"Not the unvarnished truth" said Mr. Drysdale sternly. "Even the truth can use a little varnishing!"

"I won't be a party to a deception at my own wedding!" Miss Hathaway said sternly. "If that's the case, I'll be leaving immediately!"

"What deception?" said Mr. Drysdale. "Here's what we do! What was popular a few years ago? Folk music! A lot better than that hippy stuff nowadays, at any rate. So, what do the Clampetts like? Genuine Tennessee folk music and folk cooking and folk dancing! On the invitations we simply say that our program at the wedding the Earl of Clampett will be honouring his native Southern United States with genuine Southern Cooking, Southern Dances like square dancing, the Virginia Reel, and whatever else they like. We'll also include English cooking, classical music and waltzes for Sir Wastrel Mendicant and my wife!"

"Why, that's . . . that's brilliant!" said Miss Hathaway. "And honest too!"

"Yes" said Mr. Drysdale smugly. "All the hillbilly guests and the high society leeches'll all fit in! Nothing blinds high society more than a long lineage and a fancy title! There's only one thing we have to do!"

"What's that?" asked Miss Hathaway.

"The Clampetts aren't too keen on classical music" explained Mr. Drysdale. "They think it's dull. (1) So you're going to sell them on letting it play at the wedding, Vivaldi, Brahms, all that stuff! You're also going to let Granny tolerate some English dishes being placed alongside her own!"

"But chief, why me!" said Miss Hathaway.

"You're going to be a member of the family" said Mr. Drysdale. "You love that music, so you're the best saleswoman. Rememeber, you're telling your inlaws the pure . . . _varnished _. . . truth. Combination English and Tennessee wedding! Everybody will come to that . . and they'll all love it!"

"Well, I think it's a good idea" said MIss Hathaway. "So, I'll ask."

"That's a good girl" said Mr. Drysdale, who took a surprisingly paternal tone. "Jethro's a lucky young man. He has a quarter of the Clampett fortune . . . and you!

"Oh, chief!" blushed Miss Hathaway.

* * *

So it came to pass that the Clampetts were obliging, and the wedding invitations read as follows:

Jedidiah Clampett, 17th Earl of Clampett, cordially invites you to the marriage of his daughter, Lady Elly May Clampett, to

United States Navy Lietenant Mark Templeton.

Sir Wastrel Mendicant, 10th Baronet Menicant, of Mendicant Hall,

and

Mr. and Mrs. Milburn Drysdale, of Beverly Hills,

coridially invite you to the marriage of Miss Charity Medicant of Mendicant Hall to Adonis Drysdale, Esquire, of Beverly Hills.

Mr. and Mrs. John Hathaway, of Boston,

and

Mrs. Pearl Bodine, of Oxford,

cordially invite you to the marriage of Miss Jane Hathaway of Beverly Hills to Mr. Jethro Bodine, Equire, Oxford. (2)

In honour of the Earl of Clampett's patronage of Tenessee traditional music, culture and cooking, such will be featured prominently at the wedding reception.

In honour of Sir Wastrel Mendicant's partonage of English art and culinary acheivements, such will also be featured at the reception.

* * *

Suprisingly, it all came together as planned. There were very few problems along the way. Mrs. Drysdale ended up pleased to in the forefront of the social event of the year, hillbillies or no. Miss Hathaway trained her replacement and went on her way with Mr. Drysdale's hearty congratulations. Sir Wastrel and his daughter Charity got along surprisingly well with the Clampetts. Mr. Drysdale arranged for the staffing of the wedding under the articles of the Treaty of Beverly Hills, aside from the many gourmet Tenessee dishes provided by Granny he managed to push all the work onto hired help. Finally, Mr. Drysdale, under the influence of the pills suscribed to him by his psychiatrist, made peace with the cost of the affair. It was a one time event after all, and the Clampetts were bearing the brunt of the expense.

* * *

When the guests had all arrived, the ceremony took place. There wasn't much difference between a Tenessee ceremony and an English one after all. (3) Each bride was walked down the aisle to her respective groom by her father. Each dressed in white. The frogman wore a dress uniform, which greatly impressed Elly May. Sonny Drysdale wore his tuxedo, which greatly amused Charity as Sonny liked to brag how dashing he looked. Jethro wore the tuxedo Miss Hathaway had picked out for him, which greatly relieved Jane to see Jethro had turned over a new leaf and was no longer too proud to take good advice.

It was actually here, the wedding had threatened to fall apart. Mark Templeton had wanted his brother, a backwoods Tennessee preacher, to do the honours. It was, after all, his brother, whose honesty and piety was beyond reproach, and also the one who sent him a letter introducing him to Elly. (4) The Clampetts, of course, were agreeable.

On the other hand, SIr Wastrel, his daughter, Mrs. Drysdale, and Sonny, had wanted the elderly and distintinguished Vicar of Mendicant Stage, Vicar Sydney Stodgy, to officiate.

The problem solved itself, as it turned out. Matthew Templeton couldn't leave his church and his family for a trip to Beverly Hills. So Vicar Stodgy it was. A humble and gracious minister, he even managed to charm Granny . . . and that wasn't easy. So all went well.

Elly May Clampett and the frogman were married first. Then came Sonny and Charity's turn. And finally Jethro and Jane.

It was a tossup as to who was crying more, Mrs. Drysdale or Granny.

"Oh, Milburn" Mrs. Drysdale sobbed. "I've lost my son! He's married!"

"About time too" said Mr. Drysdale. "But look, marrying the daughter of a baronet! Think of your social standing rising!"

"Oh, you say the loveliest things" said Mrs. Drysdale, wiping her tears away.

"I know" said Mr. Drysdale, who, unobserved by Mrs. Drysdale, was rolling his eyes.

As for Granny, she was inconsolable.

"This is the moment you've been waiting for all these years" said Pearl, who was herself in tears.

"I know" said Granny. "Ain't it beautiful! Elly's not going to be an old maid!"

"Neither is Jane" piped in the elderly Mrs. Hathaway. "It's a miracle!"

She started sobbing, which set off Pearl.

In the row behind the three sobbers, Joe Carson commented on the scene to his niece Kate Bradley and his friend Sam Drucker. (5)

"Women! Always balling!"

"You said it" said Roger Addison, who was sitting to Joe's right. Addison found himself poked in the ribs by his wife Kay.

"Quiet, Addison" said Kay. "I enjoy a good wedding and a good ball once in a while!"

"What would a wedding be without women crying?" said Wilbur Post.

"Wilbur!" said Wilbur's wife, Carol. (6)

"Well, he's right there" said Kate Bradly kindly. "Pleased to meet you, I"m Kate Bradley"

"Owner of the deluxe Shady Rest Hotel in Hooterville" put in Uncle Joe.

"I'm Wilbur Post, I was architect for the new Commerce Bank building. This is my wife Carol."

"And I'm Roger Addison" said Roger Addison. "Mutual friend of Milburn Drysdale and Wilbur Post, who obtained Wilbur the position as architect of the new bank building. And I'm sure you know my wife Kay?"

"You're an architect, Wilbur, eh?" said Uncle Joe. "Just the man we were thinking of for our plans to create the Shady Rest Annex, a new addition to the hotel . . . ."

"Uncle Joe!" said Kate sternly.

"Please, ve von't be able to hear the wedding back here!" said a woman with a rich Hungarian accent sitting behind Kate.

"No, we can't" said her husband, rather crossly.

"Oh, those are our friends the Douglases" said Uncle Joe. "Oliver Wendell Douglas and Lisa Douglas!" (7)

"Let's shush" said Kate. "Looks like there's more to the cermony. We can wait 'til after for the introductions."

"She's right!" said Granny. The conversation has reached her ears and she reacted crossly to the interruption. "Next one who speaks gets a shot of rock salt and bacon rind!"

That quieted most of the Hooterville contingent, as well as the Posts and the Addisons.

"Of all the . . . how did we get invited to this wedding again?" whispered Oliver Douglas to his wife, while keeping an eye on Granny.

"Vell, two reasons" Lisa whispered back. "Our name is in the blues book."

"Blue book" corrected her husband.

"And we met them back in Hootersville, on Thanksgiving, and we must have gotten on their list that way. And it's a good thing too. Everybodies was invited!"

* * *

Who came? It would be easier to say who didn't come to the wedding of the year! The Clampetts had once thought they met the President . . . so he received an invitation (8). President Nixon wasn't one to skip what might be a great opportunity to shore up contributions and support just before a election year. (9)

"Tell you the truth" said Jed Clampett to the President at the ceremony. "We was a little upset about the treatment we got when we went to pay you a visit at the White House last year."

"You should have called ahead" said Nixon. "Next time the first lady and I would be glad to receive you! I'll make sure security knows you'll be welcome!"

"That'll be jim dandy" said Granny. "Richard, you've got to be the best president since Jefferson Davis done beat the north."

Nixon looked suprised at that, but excused himself to meet more guests and solicit more donations.

The person responsible for the Nixon snafu was also there, both him and his wife Flo.

"Would you look at this, Flo!" said Honest John (10). "Who'd have thunk that we'd ever be invited to such a ritzy affair. With all the fat pigeons ready for the roasting!"

"Yes" said Flo sarcastically. "But that banker's provided so much security we can't try anything!"

"Well" said Honest John. "We might make contacts for later. At any rate, let's greet the Clampetts. Remember, you're not only my wife, you're supposedly to be a broken down old Indian women. (11)

"One of these days . . ." muttered Flo.

All high society came to the party. Everybody who had come to Elly's May wildly successful masquerade coming out party (12) was there. Some of the more distinquished guests had already met and were suprisingly fond of the Clampetts. The Countess Marie and her husband were there. She, for her part, made sure to remind Granny to send her that spring's batch of tonic. Mrs. Smith-Standish was there, a prominent geneologist, who found, with Mr. Clampett inheriting an earldom, that he was a descendant of one of the first settlers in Jamestown, Virginia after all. (13)

"I know" said Jed. "But an old mountain goat like me, I don't want to go around bragging about it."

"I think I understand" said Mrs. Smith-Standish amicably. "It'll just be a wonderful addition to our country's history books, but I think we can understand your privacy need be respected and that a lecture tour is out."

"I'll be much obliged" said Jed in kind.

"But I'll be honoured if we can again dance some of your wonderful old steps!"

"Now that" said Jed with a grin, "I can do!"

The Vanderponts were also there. Former hillbillies themselves, they had struck it rich in uranium and Mrs. Vanderpont had joined the social whirl (14).

Mr. and Mrs. Brewster were there. The Vice President of the O.K. Oil Company and his wife were happy to see the Clampetts overjoyed with their wedding. Granny was pleased to see the photos of their children.

"Oh, I remember when you adopted that there cute baby" Granny told Mr. and Mrs. Brewster, with a laugh. "I thought that you thought you was gonna go and get it from the store! I didn't know you were gonna give a foundling a happy home and a great Ma and Pa!

All of hill society came to the party as well. Everybody who was anybody or nobody in Oxford, Bugtussel or Silver Dollar City . . . or thereabouts . . . was given a free ticket to Beverly Hills to the wedding of the year. There was Amos Hogg, Mayor of Bugtussel (15). There was also the leader of Bugtussel society, the young widow of the blacksmith. Jed Clampett was careful to avoid her at all costs, she was again seeking a husband (16). Luke Short, the storekeeper, also payed a visit. (17). So were Jed's friends from Silver Dollar City, including Shad, the blacksmith, and former hotelkeeper Shorty Kellums. Elverna Bradshaw, Pearl and Granny's old nemises, had finally gotten herself married to Shorty Kellums. (18)

"Them two deserve each other'" Pearl told Jed.

"And we mean it in the worst possible way!" Granny added, cackling.

Lafe Krick, his daughter, his son-in-law and his son also arrived to freeload at the wedding (19). Fortunately, they were more than kept in line by the honest hillbillies in attendance.

Of relatives, there were plenty. Cousin Roy and (to Granny's dismay) his mother Myrtle were attending, no doubt with the fanciful idea of peddling mother Myrtle's poisonous concoction . . . as if it could even bear a candle to Granny's expertly prepared rheumatis' medicine! (20). Mrs. Drysdale's father, Mr. Farquar was there, of course. However, he was about as likely to get the Clampett money this time around as as Honest John. More money grubber's were in attendance in the person of Mrs. Drydale's nephew, an incompetent airforce officer (21), and Mr. Drysdale's nephew, Milby, a teenaged boy whose attidude to life was very much in the vein of Mr. Drysdale's late, unlamented father (22).

The Medicants hadn't any relatives, so they brought their servants the Graves' instead.

Respecting the Bodines, Jethro's sister Jethrine was also there, as was her husband saleman Jazzbo DePew. So was a distant relation, the Widow Poke, who got a rare treat as she was able to sit with her celebrity son Johnny Poke, the famous singer. (23)

Of celebrities, there were quite a few. No less a person than Gloria Swanson showed up at the wedding of her friends the Clampetts. (24) The Duke himself, John Wayne, was also a wedding guest (25). Pat Boone was an honored guest, and more than eager to taste Granny's fat back and collared greens. The head of the Clampett's movie studio, Mr. Chapman, arrived with several other stars and starlets in tow (26). Not the least amongst them was Dash Riprock, who had moved on from Elly but was there to wish her luck.

Jack Benny and Mary Livingstone arrived in Benny's old Maxwell. Jack Benny had never met the Clampetts but he was never one to pass up a free meal. He was pretty complimentary about Granny's cooking:

"You know, I'd have never thought groundhog, possum or even squirrel could taste so good" he told Granny.

"As old as you are, don't tell me you've never had possum!" said Granny, astonished.

"Yes, never in my thirty-nine years!" Jack Benny told her. (27)

"Thirty-nine" scoffed Granny. "You look as if you're about hitting it the second time around."

"More like the third time around" said Mary Livingstone.

"Now you cut that out!" Jack Benny protested.

Lisa Douglas also liked the food.

"This groundhog goulash is the best goulash I've tasted outside of Hungary" she told Granny.

"You like it so much, I'll make some to take home to Hooterville with you" Granny replied.

"Oh, do!" said Oliver Douglas. "Even groundhog would be a welcome change from eating Mrs. Douglas's hotcakes every morning!"

"Oliver!" Lisa protested.

Elsewhere, Wilbur Post has gotten into a involved conversation about Mister Ed.

"You see" said Wilbur post, opening his wallet. "That's my wife, Carol. These are our children, Wilbur and Carol Jr. And here's my horse, Mister Ed. Isn't he wonderful? He's a registered Palomino."

"That's a fine looking bit of horseflesh you've got there, pilgrim" said John Wayne, looking at the horse. "But I figure that he don't hold a candle to the specimins I've got in my stables."

"Trust me when I say that Mister Ed is one of a kind!" Wilbur replied.

The wedding was certainly one of a kind. The Clampett's friends Lester Flatt and Earl Scrugg's provided much of the country music (28). The Tennessee cooking, and even Granny's food had proved a real hit. The standard classical fare and English food didn't exactly suffer as a result, however they didn't shine out either.

It was a wedding where Mrs. Drysdale, of all people, could get in a long conversation about gardening with Elverna Bradshaw. Where Ravenworth and Graves discussed their past service in World War II. Uncle Joe tried to sell Jack Benny his acreage at the bottom of the swamp. Roger Addison, to his horror, found himself dancing with Jethrine Bodine. The Douglases found themselves talking politics with Nixon. Granny shared a jug with the Duke. Sir Wastrel, Mr. Brewster, and Mrs. Venderpont was made the successive targets of Honest John. On, and on, and on, it went.

* * *

Finally, late at night, or in the wee small hours of the morning, the shindig was over, the wingding was done. Mark and Elly Templeton were at a hotel, and the next morning would be en route for an African Safari. Sonny and Charity Drysdale were on their way to the French Riveira. Jethro and Jane Bodine went for their honeymoon in the Canadian Rockies.

Jethrine and Jazzbo put their children to bed, and followed suit.

A tearful Mrs. Drysdale had bid a fond farewell.

"Adeiu, my friends" she said. "Oh, what a fine wedding party!" (29)

"Don't mind her" said Mr. Drysdale, escorting his wife away. "Too much champagne!"

"Excellent vintage" said Sir Wastrel, following them unsteadily.

"That's because I mixed in some of my corn squeezings" said Granny. "That stuff was just plain pitiful without it!"

* * *

With the Drysdale's gone, Granny, Jed, and Pearl were left alone.

"To think I've been waiting ten years for this" said Granny.

"But it was well worth the wait!" said Pearl.

"But now it's over" said Granny, with a sigh.

"Oh no" said Jed, with a wink at Granny. "The best is yet to come."

"I guess you're right, Jed" said Granny, with a laugh. "I guess you're right."

* * *

**NOTES**

(1) The Clampetts reaction to classical music in "The Garden Party" and "The Clampetts Fiddle Around".

(2) Miss Hathaway is a victim of a gag in the second episode ("Getting Settled") regarding the Bodine's hometown of Oxford, Tennessee being mistaken for the English Oxford.

For the sake of argument, Templeton's parents are deceased while I've arbitarily decided to make Miss Hathaway's hometown Boston (which is where Mrs. Drysdale and her family originate). All that is explained in the series regarding Miss Hathaway's background is that she went to Vassar ("Jethro Goes to College").

(3) In "Wedding Plans", Granny makes Elly a fairly standard wedding dress. In "Do You Elly, Take This Frog?", Granny's nightmare suggests there's not much difference between a hillbilly and a non-hillbilly wedding ceremony.

(4) "Wedding Plans" and "Mark Templeton Arrives". Matthew Templeton mentions to Granny and Elly that he had never been to town before, so it seems unlikely he'd be able to make the trip.

In case the reader's interested in why the frogman? (I disliked the repetitive frogman episodes), it was a choice between him, Sonny Drysdale and Dash Riprock as Elly May's only real dates. He was the only one Elly seemed interested in (and recently too), so he wins by default. Elly, in fact, turned down both Sonny Drysdale ("Sonny Drysdale Returns") and Dash Riprock ("The Clampetts Play Cupid")

Miss Hathaway's was in love with Jethro on and off for most of the show, so it was a far more obvious and natural choice.

(5) Several episodes have the Beverly Hillbillies meet character's from Petticoat Junction and even visit Hooterville, i.e. "Granny Goes to Hooterville", "Sam Drucker's Visit", "The Clampett Hewes Empire". By extention, as the Beverly Hillbillies also meet Sam Drucker and Eb Dawson, the show in effect has a crossover with Green Acres as well.

(6) The Addisons and the Posts are all characters from Mister Ed. Wilbur Post (and Mister Ed) met Granny in the Mister Ed episode "Love and the Single Horse".

(7) Oliver Wendel Douglas and Lisa Douglas are the main characters on Green Acres.

(8) In "The Thanksgiving Story", the Clampetts spend Thanksgiving at the Shady Rest. The Douglases are also in attendance.

Rich Little impersonates Nixon in the "Pollution Solution"

(9) The show ended in 1971, 1972 was an election year.

(10) "Honest John" sells the Clampetts New York and Washington landmarks in the eight and ninths seasons respectively . . . only to end up feeling guilty and return their money.

(11) "Jed Buys the Capitol"

(12) "Elly May Comes Out"

(13) The Countess Maria appears in "Another Neighbour". Mrs. Smith-Standish appears in "The Family Tree" and "Jed Cuts Down the Family Tree".

(14) "Topless Anyone?"

(15) "Brewster's Baby". Granny never discovered the truth in that episode, but someone must have told her sooner or later.

"The Mayor of Bugtussel"

(16) "The Social Climbers"

(17) "The Indians Are Coming" is one of several episodes where he's mentioned.

(18) Starting with "Marry Me, Shorty", several episodes deal with Shorty trying to dodge marriage to Elverna Bradshaw. Granny's rivalry with Elverna Bradshaw is mentioned several times, most notable in "The Hills of Home". In the first season, Mrs. Bradshaw is a rival of Pearl's, as seen in "Jed Rescues Pearl".

(19) A few episodes in the second season feature greedy hillbilly conman Lafe Krick starting with "The Girl From Home".

(20) "Cousin Roy"

(21) "Our Hero" and "Our Hero, The Banker"

(22) "The LIttle Monster"

(23) "Teenage Idol" and "The Widow Poke Arrives".

(24) "The Gloria Swanson Story"

(25) John Wayne appears at the end of "The Indians Are Coming"

(26) Pat Boone appeared in "Collard Green an' Fatback".

The Clampetts acquire Mammoth Studies in "Jed Becomes a Movie Mogul".

(27) Jack Benny claimed to be thirty-nine for over forty years. His extreme stinginess was another of his running gags. Benny never appeared on the show, but was mentioned in "Jethro the Flesh Peddler". Jethro rents out the bank's fifth floor. Mr. Drysdale briefly considers trying to unload the fifth floor on a paying tenant, and is inspired by the fact that JB was also Jack Benny's initials. Miss Hathaway reminds Mr. Drysdale that Jack Benny would be unlikely to pay any more for the floor than Jethro.

(28) Lester Flatt and Earl Scrugg's appear in several episodes beginning in "Jed throws a Wingding"

(29) In "Another Neighbour", the socially successful party the Clampetts threw likewise softened Mrs. Drysdale's feelings towards them.


	15. The Best for Last

Chapter 15

**The Best For Last**

A little over a year later, Mr. Drysdale was spending Christmas at Mendicant Hall. In the now dry, warm and well maintained front parlour he was sitting before a warm fire watching the snow fall on the moor.

"This was really a good investment, Maragaret" he said to his wife.

"I told you so" said Mrs. Drysdale, herself also content.

"This would be a nice place to retire to, say in five or ten years" said Mr. Drysdale. "Now, where's Charity and Sonny."

"Here we are" said Charity, pushing a baby buggy in. "Little Milburn loves his grandparents paying a visit."

"Almost as much as he loves his father" added Sonny.

"A great investment" said Mr. Drysdale looking at the child. "Heir to a hall, heir to a fortune."

* * *

Jethro, Jane and Cousin Pearl had come back to visit Beverly Hills. So had the newborn Pearl Jr. Somebody had to live in the Clampett Castle in England, and those were the four who elected to do so.

That is, once Jane had convinced Jethro the ghost of Lady Clementine Clampett had departed the castle for good. Also, that things had changed drastically in England now Elizabeth II and not Elizabeth I was on the throne. (1)

"Ain't it great to be back in the warm sun after rainy old England" said Jethro, as he drove up to the familiar mansion in the new car his wife had helped him pick out. "But it's sure been great being put in charge of a castle like that. I don't know if I could have done it without your help, Jane."

"Oh, Jethro" said Jane. "We're a team, the both of us. And our daughter makes three."

"Won't Granny be happy to see her!" said Jethro. "I can tall she's gonna be just as smart as her ma!"

"And as beautiful as her grandma" said Jane to the elder Pearl, kindly.

"Well, that's all we can hope for" said Pearl immodestly.

* * *

The Bodines received a warm welcome at the Clampetts. They'd be only staying a few weeks over the Christmas vacation, before they went to visit Jethrine's family, then Jane's, and from there, head on back to England.

Things haven't changed that much in the Clampett household. In addition to Templeton's convertible, the Bodine's old truck was still there, reliable as ever. Jed was still keeping busy outside the house, Elly still loved her critters, while Granny kept busy looking after the place.

Only Granny wasn't hankering so much to go back to the hills, she was so happy where she was. And Elly May had something else to occupy her besides her critters.

Two blond-haired, blue eyed babies, to be specific.

"Hezekiah, after my Pa" explained Mark Templeton. "And Rose May, after Elly's Ma and Granny's daughter!"

"So long as we stay here" said Elly May, "They's gonna have the best both Beverly Hills and the hills got to offer. A great education that they only haves in the city.

"And the cooking only their great-grandma, and the hunting lessons only their Pa and Grandpa can offer them" Mark Templeton added. "Not to mention the knowhow with animals that belongs to their Ma"

"And that's something to truly celebrate" said Jed.

"Ain't that the truth" said Granny. "How abouts we all share a sip of my corn squeezings?"

"Not now" said Jed sternly. "How many times have I got to tell you not to hit the jug so much?"

"It's just a bit of medicine" Granny replied. "It's how I stay so young and bee-you-tiful!"

Some things just don't change. And happily ever after though they lived, this is Beverly Hills, and they are THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES! (1)

**THE END**

* * *

**Notes**

(1) Jethro confuses Elizabeth I and Elizabeth II, leading to much confusion in every episode relating to the Clampett's English castle (starting with "Jed Inherits a Castle"). In "The Ghost of Clampett Castle", Mr. Drysdale played ghost and succeded in scaring Jethro away from the castle. However, he gets a well deserved hit with rock salt and bacon rind by a ghost hunting Granny.

(2) The very first episode, "The Clampetts Strike Oil", begins with the introductory narration, "This is Beverly Hills. And these are THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES!"


End file.
